The Power of Prayer?

I have a bunch of random thoughts.  They are not going away, so I find myself at the computer on this snowy day, wanting to put down some of these thoughts.  Maybe these are things that you already know, but they have been things God has slowly been revealing to me through this journey.  I think I am just now making sense of them!

Prayer, it is the most powerful thing we believers have.  It is our line of communication with God.  It is the Facebook, the blog, the text, the instant messaging of our world with God, our Father, our Savior.  It is how we express what is on our heart, the thoughts that are not even formed in our heads, it is a way to get our feelings and frustrations out, to make a plea for our requests.  It is how we have a relationship with God.  It is how we put into practice our requests for others.  It is a powerful thing.

So, often times I use prayers as things that I want.  I want it to work out this way, I think this should happen.  I am bold in praying often times.  I often times pray for things that people say are impossible.  Example, for Lydia's esophagus to lengthen.  While most times they are things that I think will benefit me, my family, my Church, loved ones, I really have no control, no clue as to what is best for me.  I think I knew this before, but I think I understand it now.

So when Lydia was in the hospital, I prayed boldly.  Often times, as much as I don't want to admit, I prayed with blinders on.  I feel, God, in this situation you need to do this.  I would like it, God, if you would make this, this, and this happen.  However, that is not how God works, or how prayer works.

While we should make known our requests, all things are going to work for the glory of God and for our good.  That means, what we pray may not be for our good, but to bring glory to God.  That means that what I pray may not happen how I want.  I need to have an open mind to this.  I need to really understand this.

So, often times, I have prayed and said, God I would really like this to work out this way, however, I would love it if you could teach me, strengthen my faith, and bring glory to you.  I understand that God's ways do not make sense in this world.  That the way God would have it done often times seems backwards to me.  That is where faith comes in.  I need to trust that however God works it out will bring Him glory and will be for my good.

I have been shown this, not only taught it.  I see some of my requests that I made about Lydia and if those were answered what a nightmare it would be now.  I did not know best, I only knew what was affecting me in the now and speculating what the future was to hold.  God is there, He knows, why should I worry about it.

So I have the question mark on the end of the power of prayer because I have been following a little ones story and the mom keeps talking about the power of prayer.  She portrays that prayer only works when it is working out in her way.  Prayer is working when the child is doing what she wants.  When the numbers are how she thinks they should be, when she is able to hold her child, when she is able to get out of the hospital when she wants.  I remember those days, and I was probably much like that at times.  However, the power of prayer is to open our hearts, to make our requests, but to remember that God is in control, that God will work it for His glory and for our good.  Often times we don't even know what our good is.  I think about that, when we were pregnant with Lydia I just wanted a healthy child.  However, I did not realize that I needed her, that she would complete me just the way she is.  God is good...He knows us better than ourselves.

A wise friend told me once that she use to pray and ask God to change her husband.  She would have this laundry list of things.  Then she changed how she prayed and asked the Lord to draw her husband closer to Him.  When her husband is living right with God everything else will fall into place.  How that mind set has changed me.  It has opened how I look at prayer.  I find myself, now, in prayer constantly.  A lot of judging thoughts are now replaced with prayer, a lot of confusion is now replaced with prayer.  I understand it a bit more, I have a better relationship with my Father.  I don't completely understand, but I know what I need to do.

These children that were killed in this deadly shooting just a week ago, many have said were taken too soon.  It was all part of God's plan, He allowed it to happen.  The reasons are unknown to us, and the parents and siblings, the community or many of us may never really understand.  However, I know that it was to bring glory to God and for the good of those affected.  A hard concept.  One that we don't know how to handle when we are in this world.  Thankfully I am not, I believe and I don't need to understand, but I need to trust.  I need to know that God is Lord of my life and I am accountable only to Him.  God allows it to happen.  He disciplines the ones He loves, just as we discipline our children for their good.  We all need those boundaries and slap on the hands to know what is expected of us, to grow and to learn.  It really is a wonderful thing in the picture of things.  Please know I am not trying to minimize what these families are going through.  I am just simply applying what I have learned to every situation I encounter.

Random thoughts, yes, but I just wanted to share with you what God has been putting on my heart.  Especially with some of the stuff that has been happening in our lives.  Lydia's shot continues to be denied, but I don't worry about it.  Often times I don't even think about it, God has it under control and I will trust Him.  I know that He will bring glory to Him and it will be for our good.  Our tenant situation.  While stressful, I have been learning about praying for our tenant and realizing that it is not about right and wrong.  I am learning how to let God be in control, even when it does not make sense.  I know that even in these situations God has been there, He knows what is best for us, and I just need to trust Him.  What a great peace I have had because of this.  He is so awesome and when I just let Him be, things are so great!

One last thought.  Last night we dropped our girls off at Awanas and Ellen's class recited Luke 2:1-7.  It is so awesome hearing of the Christmas story, again.  Afterward the song Mary did you know was sung.  I was just struck, almost to tears.  How amazing the Christmas story is.  Jesus took on human traits, Mary delivered a Son who would deliver her.  How amazing is that.  Jesus was perfect while He was here in the flesh...something that we will never accomplish.  I just love that song.  So as we prepare and hurry around getting the perfect everything, don't forget about Christ.  He is the reason for the season....He is the most perfect Christmas present, message, decoration...you name it.  It is one amazing story...please share it and make sure to keep Him as the focus of your celebrations.

As Ellen reminded me today, we were baking all kinds of goodies, and she tells me that she missed the time we spend together doing those things last year.  She said this is the best December ever because we are together cherishing these moments.  I love that girl.  How awesome that even at 6 they understand and know that. 

Caught

I find myself caught between things of this world and things of God.  I am so upset that I just cannot let go of the things of this world and let God take over.  I have to hold on.  I just am being selfish is what it all comes down to.  I think I am better than God and I want what I think I should have, shame on me.  I know better than that.

I have been tested a lot lately.  I would have to say especially financially.  While we manage to pay the bills every month and God provides way beyond our needs, He even allows us to be very generous with what He has supplied us with.  It still is not easy.  We have this looming denial from the insurance company.  They have denied Lydia's shot.  This is a shot that could save her life.  But it is a preventative measure, so they are not wanting to pay the $2000.00 per shot.  I cannot deny my child this, it could cost us her life.  I am leaning on God to provide.  We are currently fighting this over and over.  He has gave me great peace, but I do hear that voice in the back of my head, how are you going to find the money to pay?  God will provide for us, He has already shown us that, I need not worry, but I find myself caught.

Our tenant situation has been dragging me down.  We are taking a lot of risk there now.  Again, we are trusting God will see us through.  It has been getting me down huge time.  I am learning how to be patient and not put myself in the front of the situation.  I want to just yell and scream and not be in a Christ-like mannor.  Most days it makes me sick.  However I know that God will be glorified and lifted up.  I know that when I stand before Him I can say that I showed Christs love to our tenant and I did what God would have me to do.  It is hard because it is not the way of the world at all.  I know that God will be glorified in this situation.  It is hard to say no to the world and yes to God.  I would have to say especially when it is earthly treasures...money and a house.  But that is not important, I need to store my treasures in heaven.

Then there are just all of those small things that continue to happen on a daily basis.  The unexpected bills and taxes and so forth.  But with it all, I feel so selfish for even feeling this way.  I look at my child's eyes looking back at me and know how rich I am.  How can I be in this place?  Conflicted and understanding, troubled and completely peaceful. 

In light of what just happened, I am beyond rich.  There were people that could not tuck in their children last night.  I had the added blessing of tucking in two more special blessings (yes, five little girls sleeping in one room).  I understand what it is like to "almost" lose a child.  We had to prepare several times for saying goodbye to a child.  God chose to give her life for many reasons, and I know many more that I do not even understand yet.  I have been on that road where there was a large unexpected road block.  I had to get around it.  I had to lose everything to gain eternal life.  It was the biggest blessing I could have ever received.

So selfish to be caught in two places at once.  I understand that fretting over finances, or things that may possibly happen is not worth it.  I am robbing myself of the joy that God has told me to enjoy, I may be robbing someone else of hearing the Gospel that God wants me to share.  As many people found out yesterday, tomorrow is not promised.  I am sure there are things that they wished would have been different.

I have to say that is one thing that I am so thankful for.  God has allowed me through many trials, hurt, sorrow, joy, and love, that I need to embrace every moment.  I fail at it most times, but I was thankful that I did not have to hug my children extra tight because I do that already.  I was thankful that we have made the sacrifices to allow me to stay at home and have a child attend a Christan school and be involved in their lives.  Every moment I try to embrace to the fullest.  I am thankful for that lesson.  That is a lesson that I take very seriously.  Praise God for that.

I just needed to start to form these thoughts.  Even as I write I am almost embarrassed as I see how completely selfish they are.  I should know better.  Where is my faith and trust?  Shame on me.  But I am also thankful that God has a hold of me and has shown me that.  I no longer get in these ruts where it just seems unbearable, I am caught, understanding where I should be and trying to let go of the selfishness.  Just another sign that God is working in me and teaching me...I am growing!

God will provide and I can be assured that it will not be anything like what is in my mind.  It is going to blow me away.  I will most likely have to endure some kind of trial, but there are so many blessings in the tears.  There is so much good in the pain. 

As I told my children the other day, we just need to look around and there is beauty everywhere.  God is constantly with us.  I need to break free from my selfishness and cling tighter to Him.  He provides, He loves, He will see us through anything!

Letting Go of Perfection

I have heard that phrase more than once, "Let go and let God."  I love it but it has always bothered me.  I am not really sure of what that means.  I feel like I am letting go, okay God now it is Your turn.  God, where are You? 

God has patiently been teaching me this and I am starting to understand what it means, just a little.  I guess after all that we have been through we were driven into God's Arms.  We had no choice, what we had to endure was much bigger than anything we could handle on our own.  However, now that times are good, we have hurdles but much different than before, what do you let go of and let God.

Everything He has told me.  There is not one thing on this earth that is mine, it is all His.  This is a hard thing.  I need to let go of my children, my time, my money, my husband, my stuff, my home, everything.  Nothing is mine, it is all His.  And I should do with it as He wants me to, not I.  Hard stuff.

Let me paint a small picture of what I am talking about.  Because, I have found true joy in letting go of perfection, I actually have found perfection and joy in the places no one would think to look.

Christmas time, the cookies are baked, the presents are wrapped, the tree is trimmed, the house smells of Christmastime, the nativity scene is set, the stockings are hung.  Yeah, you get the picture.  We have done most of that.  I say we, because this year I decided to let the kids do as much as they can.  Yes, I have prayed very hard to not get in the way, to create the memories and watch their joy.  Man, I am such a stumbling block in my own path of what I desire.  Kind of funny!

I have allowed the girls to bake the cookies.  They used at least a jar of sprinkles on each cookie and I am still finding sprinkles scattered through out my house.  But the girls could not be more proud to present these cookies to their friends and family.  The are so proud.  Each cookie is something different (you could not tell from just looking at the shape) but they have created stories out of each cookie.  They remember decorating each of the cookies and they are not afraid to tell you.

All of the presents are wrapped.  They are far from perfect in my eyes, but my girls tell of a different story.  "When grandpa opens this one he is going to see that I put extra tape here because not all of the corners came together quite right."  Or I am adding a bow to this one because so and so will like it.  I also allowed them to write the to and from.  My husband had to remind me several times that they are still learning to write.  They are still young.  But what great practice for them.  We only had to rewrite a couple names.  And they are so proud.  They have told everyone.

Our tree is decorated and oh so pretty, however, lovely Lydia has found out how to move and pull herself up on the tree.  Everything is rearranged and at times the lights are totally off.  We laugh at how Lydia is exploring and destroying.  She loves to chew on the string from the tree skirt, so often times the presents are thrown out and she has the strings in her mouth.  We are just waiting for her to practice opening presents herself!

It is anything but a perfect picture of Christmas, but it is so perfect.  These are memories that the girls will have and ones that Eric and I will treasure for a lifetime.  After all, who I am trying to impress, what am I holding on to.  I am not going to be winning an award for the best wrapped present (I really am not that good at wrapping them anyways).  But I will make memories, things that there is no price on but worth more than all the gold in the world.

I am sure that is much like the birth of our Savior.  Who would have expected the Savior to be born in a manger?  I am sure that is not how Mary envisioned having her first born.  But it was perfect, just as it was suppose to be.  There was pure joy in that moment, there were memories made, things that people talked about for years to come.  It was part of the Creator's plan and how awesome it is!

I guess as I look at what God is trying to teach me, I need to apply that to Lydia as well.  This is certainly not what I thought of, however, I could not have imagined my life any differently in the past two years.  She may not be the perfect child in many people's eyes, but she is the perfect child for me.

I may get frustrated many days because she is not where most 16 month old children are.  But I will be there is such joy when she does accomplish something because we understand.  We know how hard she is working.  We know exactly what she had to overcome to get to this point.  There is pure joy in this perfection.  I need to remind myself too, that there is no award for crawling early, there is no award for talking early.  I just get to use these moments to feel her arms wrap around my neck and hug me, to see her with her determined look and accomplish something.  I get to celebrate with her and experience this joy.

I get to hold on to my child much longer than most people do.  Everyone says they grow up way too fast.  However, when we have a child that does not grow up way to fast, we are quick to put a label on them...often times forgetting what we just wished for.  Ironic, maybe, but I will call it perfect.

I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go of these moments.  To let Him in and experience this joy that often times is not found.  I get to find joy and pure happiness in moments that most people spend their whole life searching for. 

God is still working on me.  I still have a long way to go.  But I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go and let God.  To let go and embrace the moment.  To let go and let my children (or whoever it may be that God is using to teach me).

Lesson learned....maybe!?

Have you ever found yourself making a deal with God?  If You do this for me, I promise I will go to church every week.  If You do this for me, I promise I will never do this again.  I don't think that I make too many promises with Him anymore, but I know that I use to.  Now I find myself thinking, man I thought I learned this lesson before.  I guess I didn't.  Once again my Father is patiently teaching me the same lesson over and over.  I just don't understand how He can be so patient and I can mess up so many times and He still wants me.  Just amazing.  He wants me!

This comes to my mind as I see people busily get ready for the Christmas season (yes, it is Christmas and not Holiday because Christ is the reason for the season).  I find people bitter and just rushing to go through to motions.  Not really taking time to stop and savor the season.  I find that traditions are placed on the back burner and the focus is on the good deal (black Friday I will never understand you).  It is not about taking time to stop and think about what a person really wants, what would they enjoy and appreciate, it is about buying all kinds of stuff, the "bargains" who has the most stuff, making sure that it is evenly divided out among all the kids (you would not want to upset one).  I find that people don't want to send cards any more because it is too expensive, not ever really thinking that a card is a time to reconnect with those you lost touch with over the year, or it could simply bring a smile to someone's face.  We are too busy to make cookies and hang lights, to go get the tree, and to listen to the music.  Maybe it is because we are sick of the season before it even begins because it has become so commercialized.

I am thankful that God has placed me on this journey.  One, He has given me a child that forces me to slow down.  She forces me to celebrate all of the small steps and to embrace each moment.  She teaches me how to overcome huge challenges and to find joy in everything.  I am so blessed that I get to learn that lesson every day.  And yes, I need a reminder every day. I get so wrapped up in the world and things I am suppose to be doing rather than things that God wants me to do.  Rather than seeing the beauty right before me.  I am blessed, I am chosen and I know that it is my path, but I wish everyone could learn that lesson as I have.  But I will celebrate that God has chosen me and continue to learn and try to share as I am able!

The other reason why I am so thankful that God has placed me on this journey was because of some very important lessons that I learned last year.  If you would have come to my house last year, there was not one glimpse of life.  There was no stockings hung, there was no tree decorated, the halls were not decked.  However, we were able to decorate two places.  We had our home at the Ronald McDonald's House.  We had stockings hung, a Christmas tree decorated (even more than one!), we had our advent calendars, we had ornaments made, a nativity scene set up.  Then if you went across the street, Lydia had her own Christmas palace.  She had glowing trees, nativity scences, more stockings, pictures the girls had made, and the list goes on.  In both places there was love, there was the Spirit of Christmas.  No matter what happened we were together as best as we could be.  We were making memories and sharing time together.

You see, last year, the shopping lists, the baking lists, the tree, the presents, the get togethers, the programs, the hustle and bustle of it all did not matter.  We had a sick child, one who was waiting surgery that she needed.  But that did not matter, we were able to celebrate Christmas for what it is.  Celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We were reminded over and over why the Savior had come, we needed Him.  It was so refreshing.  And I do think that there was a piece of all of us that felt that way last year.  Even though there was a stress of waiting for open heart surgery, there was the true peace of the season.  One that I can recognize now.

The lessons that we learned last year have spilled into this year.  The excitement and joy of making memories, of celebrating our Savior's birth can be felt in this home.  It is not about checking off things from a list, to rush and get it done, but to stop and enjoy this season.  We have been listening to Christmas music for a long time now.  Talking about what the songs mean and what they mean to our family.  The day after Thanksgiving we got our tree and a day later it was put up and decorated.  How the kids loved it.  It did not matter what it looked like, where the girls hung the ornaments (usually I totally freak out over this), but it was that we were a family being together, enjoying this awesome time of year. 

Last night Eric had to make an unexpected trip to Milwaukee to fix the furnace there.  We were hoping to just hang out with the family.  Instead the girls asked to make cookies.  I said sure.  I let them do everything.  We made spritzers and their hands turned colors from dying the dough.  It was awesome, memories left in their head that they won't soon forget!  As I tucked them into bed, they thanked me for making memories with them.  They said that while we were not able to do that last year, there were so many things that we were able to do instead.  Even a 4 and 5 year old recognize opportunities.  There is no reason to feel guilty that the perfect present or the perfect stocking did not exist last year.  In these tiny minds, there was only one thing that was important...being together and celebrating the birth of our Savior.

I just sat and prayed for a long time, just praising God of where He has lead us, how He has grown us.  I could have never imagined the journey to be so awesome and powerful, to change me in a way that I am not even sure of yet.  I look at the future with promise, no matter what happens.  Fot it is in Him I find my hope and trust, it is in Him that I can find true peace and rest.

I hope that I can remember this lesson that He has taught me.  It has been very profound.  It gives me great peace.  I want to describe it, but then I remember that this is the journey He put me on, these are the lessons He wants me to learn.  I try my best to explain them, but they are lessons maybe only I understand.  I hope you can get a sense of how awesome our God is.

I encourage everyone to take some time to just stop and enjoy the season.  There will never be the perfect amount of baking that will be done, the perfect present, the cleanest house, the best hosted party, the most gifts, the perfect tree, the perfect card.  We already received the perfect present, He was wrapped in cloth laying in a manger.  While our world can disregard the true meaning of the season, when you walk into our home, it will be full of love and laughter, traditions and memories.  You will see the peace of the season and we will take the time to enjoy and cherish our memories that are getting made.

In a Moment

In a moment everything can change.  In a moment your world can come crashing in.  In a moment you can be on top of the world.  In a moment things can seem hopeless.  In a moment nothing could get you down.  A moment is nothing more than the gust of the wind.  A moment is just a small season in the big picture of things.

I have been thinking of this moment.  It is crazy.  One moment we are looking at the pregnancy test thrilled that God has chosen to bless us with another life.  In the moment of a phone call, tears are streaming down my face, looking into a world of uncertain reality, our child may have Down syndrome.  In a moment in the van, my husband and I hold hands to pray, we decide to embrace what God has chosen for us.  That moment of fear and unknown quickly passes and we are once again filled with happiness and hope.

The wind changes, the gust comes in and we are once again sadden in a moment.  The doctor says we must go to a specialist for there are complications far above what they know how to handle.  In a moment the world seems so unfair, everything is shattered and so full of despair.  In a moment we our overtaken with so much information, our daughter, our little girl, her heart has a hole, there is no stomach detected, it is confirmed, Lydia Ann has Down syndrome.

In a moment I lost track of Ellen and Allison and how fast they grow.  In a moment they knew a different life.  In a moment our life was turned upside down.  At first, one that seemed so unfair, so uncertain, and a path that I was not sure if I wanted to travel.  However, that gust keeps blowing, things keep changing, and in a moment things are different.

In a moment I became very familiar with medical terminology, I became familiar with things that seemed only possible in someone Else's life.  In a moment I was faced with major decisions, one that would not just affect my life, but our entire families life.  In a moment it seemed like I was pushed to the ground and my knees my only hope.  When hope and reason seemed to be lost, He was there, full of hope, full of reason, holding out His Hand, asking me to trust and walk along side His great plan.

In a moment I was holding the most beautiful girl.  I heard her cry, I calmed her, I kissed her and the next moment she was gone.  For hours, I did not see my girl, I knew nothing more about her.  For hours, that seemed like days, I longed for the other part of me.  In a moment, things changed.  I was joined with her once again, but only for a moment.  As I sat there fighting for my life, my daughter laid in a bed with her grandmas near, only for a moment.  Soon, the winds would change, a gust would bring different things, in the moment things would change once again.

In a moment I would send my daughter to surgery, I would lose all control.  I would pray and I would trust that God was holding her, He was guiding the hands of the surgeons.  In a moment I would imagine what it would be like to see her connected to so many tubes and medicines, in a moment that I could not begin to understand.

In a moment I would see my daughter fight for her life.  As she lay lifeless, blue, with no heartbeat at all.  I would watch nurses and doctors scramble to do what they do.  The gust would come and I would hear her heartbeat, I would see her chest rise and fall, for in the moment things would change.  Once again the doctors and nurses would do what they do best and bring my daughter back from her rest.  I would finally hear, in a moment, beat, beat, beat, and I could breath, I could rest.  For whatever the reason would be, God chose life for Lydia, and I was as thankful as could be.

In a moment I would see Ellen and Allison change.  I would wonder where the time was going as they seemed so big.  They would come and talk to me about things unknown, they would smile and ask questions for someone far beyond their years.  At times they almost seemed like someone I did not know, like a stranger sitting on my lap telling me their dreams.  In a moment I lost where I was, I lost sense of time and place.  They grew right before my eyes without me taking notice, without haste.

In a moment the world seemed to be perfect, bringing home our bundle of joy.  The world seemed so small as Lydia's accomplishments seemed so great.  Walking out the doors of that place, it was as if fireworks were going off and I was dancing with delight.  The best feeling in the world, a sense of peace.

Walking into a home that seemed so familiar, yet so out of place.  Learning new challenges, adjusting to a life unknown.  Watching Ellen and Allison kiss their sister, see the joy in their face, in a moment everything seemed just so.  In a moment that Eric and I dreamed of for many days, one that seemed to unattainable, so impossible.  God knew that one day we would experience this kind of joy, one day we may appreciate it a little more.

Each day has their moments, their joys and frustrations, sorrows and celebrations.  At any moment that wind is ready to come in and change.  In a moment the gust can blow and things seem so different, things seem not quite right, I don't understand, this is not right.  However, in a moment things can change once again, and you can appreciate all of the small things, the large ones too. 

I have been thinking of these moments lately.  It just seems as though sometimes they are not fair, and some times they are so amazing words just cannot describe them.  Those moments that we have nothing to hold on to, other than the amazing promises of our Father, we have no other option but to bury our face and pray.  Then we have those moments that seem like they are part of heaven.  Those moments where nothing seems to be able to get you down. 

The stark reality of life has hit me hard lately.  While I sit and fret way more than I should and worry about things that just bring more sin, I have been reminded of the moment, the moment things change, the moment things are so wonderful and the moment when I just cannot bear anymore.  To embrace every step of where you are at, no matter what.  To embrace each smile and each hug, each milestone and each accomplishment.

To see life through a different lens makes every moment so much sweeter, so much better, it just makes sense.  To see all of my children excel and learn, to watch them mark one more thing off that list of developments.  To embrace all that God has to offer.  His plan, His timing, His promises, His love, His discipline too.  I am so blessed to be chosen because there are only a few!  Praise God for this journey He has placed me on.  While some moments are so hard and it seems like no one really understands, it has created me, shaped me, molded me to be who I am today and I am so thankful.  It has taught me to embrace these moments, no matter how hard they may be.

In life there is going to be trials and persecutions, there will be hardships, however, having the promise of Jesus makes me complete.  Knowing that God has lead me to this place and He will not leave me.  He will see me through it, in His time, His place.  No matter how hard that road gets, He will not leave me, His promises will always be.  He is my Shepherd, my guide, my peace.  Thank you Jesus for this journey and never let me for get these moments, the changing of the wind, the gusts that can shake our entire world.  However, God has it under control.

Raising a child with special needs is no different than any other child.  Let your heart be open and embrace the moment that you are given.  No matter what in life, you will never live up to someone Else's expectation, so take what you are given and live.  Be proud of what you are given, for it is your path, your story you are creating.  God has chosen you to be here, not someone else.  Celebrate each imperfection, for none of us are perfect.  There will be hard days, but there will be pieces of heaven and in all those moments, the journey is worth it!

Forever Changed

November is a month where people often reflect on all that they are thankful for.  They make lists and share things, they may write notes and tell others.  However, as I continue to walk through this journey, I find that being thankful is just part of me.  There are people and strangers that have done things that I could not even have asked for.  Things that they just see need to be done and they do.  A lot of our doctors and nurses have gone above and beyond to help us out.  A lot of these folks I may see once or not at all.  It is important that I embrace each moment and give thanks.

We understand that we cannot walk this journey alone.  We understand that we count on many people to do things.  Grandmas and Grandpas to watch our kids, aunts and uncles to take the kids for a weekend, neighbors to get a child off the bus, friends to watch the kids while we are at a doctor appointment, people providing meals or gift cards.  These are all gestures that we have experienced that we cannot say thank you enough for.

Then there are lactation nurses who make sure you have everything you need to succeed in providing breast milk for you child.  We had a surgeon who has gone above and beyond to help Lydia out.  We have had nurses just send notes to let us know they are still thinking about us.  We have care takers asking us to stop by because they want to say hi.  We have therapists going far beyond their job duties to make sure that Lydia receives the very best care possible.

How do you say thanks to all of that?  It is something that changes you in such a way that it becomes your lifestyle.  Before I always thought everyone should do things for me, just because.  I often times did not give back.  I was selfish and unthankful.  God gave me this trial for many reasons.  I am thankful that He has changed my outlook.  He has taught me something so amazing.  And not only has He given me a trial to teach me but to make sure I truly understand.  It is a lifestyle that I live now.  Making sure that I say thank you or to reach out, no matter how big or small.  It is a powerful thing.  I am so blessed that I am able to model that for my children each and every day.

Being thankful is just one of the things that have changed me forever.  The way I see things is also differently.  Even though God is still trying to teach me this, I do try to look past the circumstance and give Him praise.  It is hard to live constantly in the circumstance, it totally consumes you, it takes everything you have.  However, our God is not a God of circumstances.  While it may seem like my life is totally crashing in on me, God is there.  His beauty is all around me.  To see the beautiful sunrise God has painted, to the flowers He has made, to the green grass, to my beating heart.  He is there and constantly providing miracles, constantly reminding me that He has created everything.

To be able to look past some one's faults and accept them for who they are is such a hard thing to do.  I am trying, I still have a long way to go, but the conviction is there on my heart.  It is so much easier to point out negative things rather than positive things.  However, when we can appreciate the good in people and help them with the negative, we achieve so much more.  We are able to tolerate a lot more when we give someone grace.  After all, God has given us a lot of grace.  We should be giving that to others.

Maybe someone is having a bad day and the smile you give is just what they need.  Maybe someone just lost someone close to them and a card in the mail is just the pick up that they need.  Maybe it is that person who cut you off and did not mean it.  How many times do we do that and ask for grace?  Anyways, I understand it a little more because of this trial.  I understand that things are not always as they appear.  Sometimes we really cannot understand until we have been in their shoes.  However, if we just give them grace and offer a hug or a smile, or just allow them to talk without judgement, it can make all of the difference.

God has taught me so much in this trial.  God has changed me in a way that I cannot communicate.  The lessons that I have learned are so valuable.  It is nothing that I would have ever asked for, nothing that I would have ever wanted to take on, however, I would NEVER give it up.  I would not trade one moment for the most money in the world.

I always thought that I would be a business woman, that I would have a lot of money, that I would have a lot of stuff, I would be successful.  For awhile God did bless me and Eric in that way.  However, I can tell you that we never appreciated it.  We never really knew what we had until it was gone.  But I struggled with the notion that I was not successful, that I was really nothing because I did not have the money, the stuff, the look.  I really did not measure up in terms of the world, however, I need not compare myself to the world.

In God's standards, I can rest assured that I am loved no matter what.  I don't have to store my treasures here on earth, for I am promised the most amazing place to live.  I will have eternal life worshiping my Father.  I am rich beyond measure.  I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful and loves me.  Yes, we have our share of problems and our marriage is not perfect, however, we are there for each other and we made a commitment that we are both serious about honoring.  His arms will always provide love and support for me.  I have three beautiful children.  God has given them to me to care for.  They are not mine, but His.  God has given me a great church family, super awesome mom's group, a great women's Bible study and the list goes on.  Most of all, He gave me His Son, His love, mercy, grace, forgiveness.  I am rich beyond measure.

I know that I give up much in this world to pick up my cross and follow Him.  However, in Him I have everything.  Most importantly, God has reminded me that this journey of motherhood is my ministry.  It is my job to pray and ask for guidance from Him to raise these children.  I have the added blessing of being a mom to Lydia, a child that God created perfectly.  While most people would have not given her a chance, we are loving her and learning from her.  What a blessing.

This has given me great comfort lately because I have struggled with always defending why I do what I do to people.  Comments saying I am going overboard keeping her safe, not allowing others to hold her and the list goes on.  However, I am accountable to God, I am doing what I believe is the very best thing for this family.  I will make mistakes, but I am trying to raise my children according to God.  So while people may say those comments, it is good to evaluate and make sure I am doing what is best for my family.  I have learned more about not being selfish.  While I am very selfish still, I believe that God is working with me on that.  To put my daughter first in this season of my life is what I am being called to do.  And when I feel as though I am being judged, I need to check what I am doing.  I bring judgement on myself.  I am probably not walking as God would want me to walk.

I am so thankful for the life God has given me, for the family He has blessed me with.  I am so thankful for the trials He has given me.  He did promise us that we would encounter trials and persecution.  It is in these trials that He breaks us so we depend on Him.  I have a ways to go. 

The Innocence of a Child

Today I am so full of the innocence of a child.  It is just Lydia and I home today and I have been sitting next to her just watching her.  She is so full of life.  She is exploring things, she is figuring things out.  She loves when you praise her.  She miles and loves to be by mom.  She has all kinds of things to say in her own language.  She understands what I am telling her and gives me the best facial expressions.  She is Lydia, there is no disability.  There is no Down syndrome, esophageal atresia, heart condition...it is just her.

And she is no different than my other children.  I listened to Ellen read this morning.  Sounding out each letter and trying to put all of the sounds together to make a word.  She loves to read.  She loves to figure things out.

Then there is Allison.  She is special in her own way.  She gets things without really having to work at them.  She can walk up to a new situation and tell you just how it should be.  Often times she is correct.  She has a natural gift.  She is fun to watch, mostly because she has so much energy.

Our children just see life as it is, simple and full of joy.  They don't have anything else to focus on other than that.  My children are always playing church and reading the Bible.  They always have a new story to tell.  They live now, and don't let anyone stop them.  If they hear something that does not sound quite right, they ask to get more information.  I realize they have a small amount of life experience, but sometimes that is better.

They don't put labels on things.  They just see it for what it is.  They are full of love and energy, laughter and love.  Why can't we be more like children?  Why can't we have a teachable heart, know pure joy and honesty?  Why can't we be accepting of things?  When we hear something that does not sound right, why can't we question and get more information instead of forming our own label or decision?  I love the innocence and pureness of a child.  I learn so much from it.

I also think about some of the recent decisions in our life, specifically on Tuesday.  As people seem upset and unsure about what to come, I feel more grounded and more at peace than ever before.  God holds my future, He holds my tomorrow.  Only He can tell me, show me what will happen.  I don't have to account to a president, a mayor, a teacher.  Yes, I need to respect and support them, but that is not who I have to give accountability to.  That is not who I need to focus on.

If we put our trust in this world we will get hurt over and over.  I see that pureness of the innocent child get crushed over and over in our world.  People are cruel and mean.  The simplest things are often ruined and crushed by someone just looking to hurt someone.  It is sad, but that is sin.  And just because we take up the cross and follow Jesus does not mean our life will be simple and not full of trials (just the opposite) but we are filled with the Holy Spirit.  We are filled with promises and strength of our God.

We don't have to trust in things of this world.  I am sure that our children know no different.  Our children put their trust in their parents.  They are guided and taught what the parents believe.  That is probably why my children play church...they don't know much else.  It is so awesome to see that innocence and pureness in our children.  It is our job to embrace that, teach them as God calls us to.  For mothers, that is our ministry.  They are our mission field.  This is the legacy we were called to leave behind.  They will have the strength, if taught right, to impact a generation.  To cary on the Gospel.  How wonderful and awesome that is.  What a great ministry.  There is more than just laundry, dishes, cleaning toilets, and cooking.  It is a high calling from God Himself to be a mom, it is a reward.

I will continue to trust in God and put my hope in Him.  While it is easy to get caught up in things of this world, I will do my best to be on my knees in conversation with my Father.  He is so awesome and mighty, He is worthy of our praises.

I am blessed each time I go to lift one of my girls and look in their eyes.  They always have a gleam of joy that just radiates out.  I am so blessed to watch them grow, to see their innocence and guide them as I have been called to do so.  And just because we put a label on someone or something, does not mean that it defines them.  I love the playtime on our floor, there is no labels, no one says you can't do it.  It is just pure innocence and joy.  It is awesome to see.  Take the time to redefine the label.  Take the time to get to know for yourself.  Praise you oh Father!