What if I can't?

I just wanted to preface this journal.  This is raw feeling and emotion, I am doing this to just let some of the stuff out that I have been keeping inside.  I am not seeking anything from this, I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, I just really am doing it for me; just to let it all out.  These are really my deep personal thoughts today.  After a stressful weekend and a small break down, I just need to release.  I struggle with these posts because I really am not seeking anything or trying to make anyone feel sorry for me or anything like that.  But as much as I have been fighting the urge to sit down and write, I feel God pushing me to continue to share the journey He has set before me.

With that being said, it was a rough weekend.  I just came to a point where I knew the behaviors and patterns I have been doing are not healthy for me or my family.  I have been playing the pretending game.  I pretend everything is going good, but most days you can find me rocking Lydia and I am sobbing.  I attempt some housework or to make a meal or play with Allison, but stress and this overwhelming feeling of I can't do this anymore, I am not cut out for this journey comes over me.

Lydia's eating has gotten the best of me lately.  I am mom, it is my job to feed my child.  I worked so hard for over a year to pump milk for my baby because I believed it was the very best for her.  I wanted to feel as though I was doing something for her so I pumped, I endured painful infection after painful infection.  Even when the stress was high, I still pumped.  I had a HUGE support group cheering me on.  My husband was super supportive too.  A special lactation consultant was one of my biggest fans along with some awesome nurses.  But that was my desire to feed my child to see her grow and thrive through all she has been through.  I was her mom and I was suppose to be providing her food.

As we transitioned to eating solids, I have become the primary feeder for her.  I have listened to our speech therapists, doctors, nurses, read things, I am part of support groups, to know the very best for her.  Day after day we teach her to eat, I try to be as patient as I can, I try to nourish her so she can continue to grow and stay strong.  She did very well.

Then we had a time when she was not growing so well.  We worked with all kinds of different people to get her to eat.  If you ever enter our house at a feeding time, you will agree that I have gone off the deep end.  I make bird noises, sing, dance, play with toys, wear silly hats, play peek a boo, anything to get her to eat.  I use my other girls to help distract her so she will eat.  My husband helps when he is home.  It has become a family affair.

However, it is taking a toll.  The ups and downs of feeding her.  The ups and downs of watching her not want to eat.  The ups and downs about how the day will go.  With Lydia, she is fed more often because of her new anatomy.  It is hard to continue to feed her and watch her struggle.  It is hard to watch her play games, it is hard to watch her not drink.  Knowing that a lot of her lack of drinking is because of medical problems.

Talking with the doctors and specialist, they always seem to have a conflict of opinion.  So it is my job, and my husband's, to sort through everything and figure out what works and what does not.  She is anything but a typical child and she likes to walk her own line, I think as most kids do.  It is frustrating though when the medical books are written not for your child.  It is frustrating.  So we try different things and some will work for awhile but then you are left guessing.

You want the very best thing for your child, but you are unsure.  The last couple of weeks have been a huge struggle.  Before each meal I pray with her.  "God thank you for another time to feed Lydia.  I pray that You use this food to give her nourishment and allow her to grow.  I pray that you allow her to eat well and give mommy the strength to continue on this path.  But most importantly, I pray that Your Will be done.  If it is the Will to be on the feeding tube, I pray You make that clear, if it is to eat orally, again, I pray you make it clear.  Thank you for all of Your blessings. AMEN."  But time after time I am still left confused and frustrated.  I am unsure of what to do.  I am her mom, I am suppose to be able to feed her.

On Saturday we decided to pull back on the amount of food she was eating and see if that would encourage her to drink a little more.  She ended up drinking less than 2 1/2 oz and eating only about 20 bites of baby food.  FRUSTRATING!  So we decided to put her on the tube.  She has lost a little weight because she was sick and we want to stay on top of that.  We are not sure what is best and she has not had the feeding tube for "feeding" purposes for a long time.  We hooked it up and she just kept on throwing up.  NOW WHAT?  Really, we are keeping the feeding tube in as a back up and we go to use it and it makes her sick.

So we are back to the drawing board to see what to do next.  Another theory about what is going on, but no real answers.  It is getting frustrating.  Who do we call?  Who can we talk to, it is a weekend.  On Monday I will spend my day on the phone, trying to just take care of Lydia and pushing Allison aside once again.  I am sick of doing that.  I am sick of treating the other girls as if they don't exist.  I am sick of not being able to clean my house or make a meal for my family.  It is bad enough that I feel locked in my house to keep Lydia away from germs, now I am just taking care of her.  I look around my house and the mess it is and feel completely helpless.  Not only do I feel like I am a failure at taking care of my child, but my house is a mess, my other child is being babysat by the Little House on the Prairie and I am a mess.

I wasn't cut out for this.  I never asked for this.  We just wanted a third child.  We prayed over this child and though we said a healthy child I don't think we ever entertained the thought of an unhealthy child.  Why us?  Why can't we get a break?  Why can't it just be normal?  Haven't we suffered enough, can't it just be easy for a little bit?  Why can't you come and allow her to feed?  What am I suppose to be learning from this?  Are you still there?  Do you even care for me?  How can this be for my good, I am making myself crazy.

The one thing I loved about being saved is that the Holy Spirit lives in me.  I have these thoughts and then I think of the many blessings.  It does not always take away from what I am feeling, the anger I am feeling or the frustration, but it helps.  It allows me not to dwell in that place so long.  However, since I have kept this in too long, it is a bit longer process of releasing this time.

I remember a time not too long ago that I would have loved having this trial as I sit by Lydia's bedside not knowing if she would live or not.  I would have loved this trial because she was eating...something I thought that she would never accomplish.  I would have loved this trial because we were in the comfort of our own home and not in a hospital surrounded by machines.  Isn't it funny of the things we wish for.  If we could just absorb the moment and understand that it will not last forever, that God is walking through this trial with us, that He has not left us, and as crazy as it seems, it will be for our good.  Those are hard things to accept when you are in the trial.  For me too, it is hard to just let go because I still want to control things.  In the hospital I think that I did better because there were other people there telling me what to do, most of it was totally out of my hands, and I was focused on the task at hand with little distractions.  I don't have that luxury now (never thought of that time as luxury!).  I also feel like it all rest on my shoulders and it does not.  I do not have to cary that burden by myself.

I know that the Lord is still teaching me and pruning me and working on me.  I am struggling and that is OK.  I am not a perfect mom and I don't have any of the answers for what is going on now.  I need to continue to be in prayer, in His Word, and embracing the moment.  I need to to continue to count my blessings and do the very best that I can.  But it is OK to admit that I am struggling.

I realize that this situaiton is far beyond what most people can understand.  I don't need people to understand, but I need an ear to listen, a word of encouragement, a Bible verse.  I cannot do it alone.  A hug or a friendly smile is sometimes what is needed to change a day.  I need to remember that as I try to be the Hands and Feet of Jesus.  I need to continue to try to look beyond my circumstance (it has been really hard for me as it has totally consumed me) and be the Hands and Feet of Jesus for other people.  It does take a village to raise our children, we should be lending a hand to help one another out.  I pray that I am able to do that more and more.

I know that my tomorrow is held by God.  So I need not worry.  Can someone please tell my heart that?  I care about her so much and I would do anything for her.  I would do it until I can't.  I felt like I was at that place this weekend.  But talking with my wonderful husband and just being open to God, I feel like I can pick up the pieces and attempt again.  He is my strength.  I don't understand what we are going through and quite frankly I do not agree with it at all.  But I know He is walking through it with me, He will not leave me, and no matter what I think, He has my best interest at heart.  His ways will not make sense to the world, but His way is the only way!

Please continue to pray for our family.  Specifically for me.  I am struggling and hurting right now.  But I know He is holding me and because of that I can continue to put one foot in front of the other.  As I wait for the doctors to return my phone calls, I pray we are able to get some answers.  I pray that I can do the very best for my daughter!

Sticks and Stones

I find myself in the quietness of the house.  Lydia is snuggled on her mat sleeping, the sun is shining on her face and all is perfect.  Quietness is something that I have taken for granted, because I am not sure what it is.  I thought that I would embrace the moment and write a little as I am sure it will not last!

The past couple of days have been a little tough on me.  We had two different evaluations for Lydia to base where she is developmentally.  While those things really should not matter, no matter how much I tell myself, they sting.  They hurt and make me feel awful.  Neither one of my other children were tested against things that they could not do and then told how dumb they were.  OK, so Lydia was not told how dumb she is, but maybe you get the point?

I don't understand why the thought process is to compare apples to oranges?  Why we need to continue to hit families when it is an already tough situation.  I understand Lydia is delayed, she may be that her whole life.  Who knows?  My other children could be that way too.  But because of her diagnoses, she is classified and then tested and then put under a microscope as to what she can and cannot do.  It is one of the hardest things that I still have to accept and understand.  Can't we celebrate where she is and look forward to the next milestone instead of comparing her with others that don't have her challenges?  My six year old is not quite reading yet, but they do not compare her with the others and make a big deal.  She is close, she will get it. 

Maybe I am making a bigger deal than I ought to, but those words sting.  Your 18 month old is only testing out at 8 months in her physical therapy skills.  Part of me wants to jump and scream and celebrate.  Do you know everything she has been through, this is a huge accomplishment.  Do you understand her diagnosis and her set backs?  The other part of me feels as though I have failed as a mom.  Why is she not doing better, what else can I be doing?  I am failing her.

It is a tough battle.  I was not prepared for it either.  I had two healthy children, the system does not operate for them in that way.  I still can't understand why it operates this way for Lydia.  I am lost.  However, I keep pulling up my big girl pants and pushing forward.  Fighting back the tears and the emotions, pushing towards what is best for my girl.

I know that it is not going to get better.  I know I have to toughen up now and get use to it.  There will be plans in school, there will be folks who don't feel she is as worth the time as I feel she is.  There will be more obstacles, I understand.  But for the moment I just want to let you know how unfair it is, how horrible of a feeling it feels.  I know that I am not alone, I know many others go through it.  It is tough.  It is a constant battle in several directions, but I look in her eyes and my heart melts.  I know she is worth it and more.  I would do anything for any of my girls, no matter how much the words sting.

I am trying to choose not to focus on how bad those words sting.  I think I would rather be hit over the head by a two by four than hear, constantly, how far behind my child is.  How unnormal my child is.  How much more work she needs to put into her development to get to "normal" standards.  Now, let me stop for a moment, most of our care providers are super in telling us this information, however, we have had a couple that have not been sensitive at all.  It is a constant thing that we do also.  It does not go away and that is hard to hear over and over!

So, I will stop complaining.  I want to tell you some of the things my daughter does.  She makes me smile at almost every moment of the day.  Her smile lights up a room (the other day we were in the store and Lydia smiled at someone.  I asked them what drew her to Lydia.  She said her smile.  I asked if she could tell Lydia had Down Syndrome, and she said no.  I just have always wondered and this simple question opened up a great conversation.  Some people are so amazing.  God blessed with with that wonderful conversation.)  She laughs and plays constantly.  She is stubborn.  She does not like to eat, but she will play with you, she will cover her mouth and she will laugh and play, but you have to be super sneaky for her to take a bite.  She loves to hid blocks in her outfits.  Often times I will change her and find several blocks hiding in her back, just one more thing that makes me smile.  She can do the splits better than anyone I know.  I thought I was pretty flexible when I was younger, but man she is amazing.  She fights harder than anyone I know.  She is more determined than any person I have ever met.  She will work at getting that toy in the hole until she is successful.  Amazing.  She loves more than anyone I have ever met.  She makes sure to give everyone a hug and kiss and smile.  She interacts with people and makes them smile, it is what makes her happy.  She is so many things.  Down syndrome is one of them, but that is truly what makes her her.  Lydia does not know anything else than who she is and I never want her to know anything different.

So I will fight for you Lydia.  I will do the very best that I can.  I will try to guard you from hearing those words that sting so bad.  However, I know that they are only words and do not do justice for who you are.  You are one amazing child.  You have brought our family together, you have taught us so many things.  When we could be divided about eating, you have showed us if we all work together you will eat very well.  We are all so blessed to have you in our lives.  I am sure that you are by far a greater blessing than we ever will be.  But I am honored to be your mother.  I will endure the words and I will know that they don't define you.  You define yourself.  No diagnosis or test can really judge you.  You have potential given to you by God and I am so excited to watch it grow.

I am sure if you do not have a child with special needs, it may be really hard to know what it is like to have your child judged constantly.  However, I think we all can learn something, not one of us can be judged or defined based off anything other than who we are.  Not our looks, not our weight, not our diagnosis, not our physical features, the amount of money we have or the car we drive.  My faith defines me because I was created perfectly in His image.  He is the author of my life.  But nothing in this world can define me.  Praise be to God for that.  May I always remember this lesson, may I always remember what is the most important stuff. 

Even though these days are tough to hear about how far behind my daughter is, I will rest peacefully knowing that she is right where God wants her to be!

Love Thy Neighbor

I think this is a pretty familiar commandment, Love Thy Neighbor.  I hear about it all the time about being nice to others and helping others out, we are suppose to love thy neighbor.  God has been teaching me more and more about this.  It is more than just being nice to them, it is more than just extending a helpful hand to them.  You are suppose to love them.

Love is not a feeling but a choice that we make.  I have to go out of my way to choose to love my neighbor.  And what if it is a neighbor that I don't like?  What if it is someone who has done something to me?  I am suppose to love them anyways.  The Bible says we are suppose to keep our enemies closer.  This does not fit with the way of the world.  This is opposite thinking of what the world says.  It is backwards thinking even to what I think I should do.

I have been learning a lot about this commandment lately.  I have struggled with what our tenant is doing to us.  We have opened our hearts to her, we have helped her out, we have bent over backwards for her.  For what?  To just get used and abused?  She has not paid rent in several months and now will not get out of the apartment.  She keeps telling us that we have to have a judge ordered motion to get her out (we are in the process of doing this).  But in the meantime you are living in someone else's place, not paying, and you are OK with it?

I guess I don't understand because I could never think of doing something like that.  I am pretty much law abiding and get nervous about even the small things I do that I believe that I can get away with.  I don't understand how someone can use someone and continue to do it.  I don't understand how you can lay your head down at night and be OK with that decision.

SIN.  That is why.  We are not good people, we are full of sin.  The good things you see, that is God.  It is not because I am good.  I will be really honest, I am not.  The thoughts that have filled my head lately are totally sinful and dishonest.  The things that I would love to say or do to our tenant are not what God wants me to do, in any way shape or form.  God wants me to love her and forgive her.

I am struggling with that.  I have had Eric deal with most everything because I am so angered by the things that she has done.  She has done more to me than just not pay, she has taken things away from my children because she is selfish and dishonest, she has stole from my family, and she has "checked up" on my personal things, using those things for her benefit.  Shame on her.  That is so low and dishonest.  I want to scream and shout and just be inappropriate.

Instead, God is trying to quiet my tongue and is teaching me.  What she is doing is no different than my sin.  I need to learn the repercussions of my sin, not just on my life but on others.  I need to learn how to openly forgive and to give my love away as God has given His away.  It is so hard.  We open ourselves up to give and to show love only to get hurt.  But we must not let our emotions get in the way, we must continue on. 

My heart will be guarded for the next tenant and there were lots of lessons to be learned, things that we will do differently.  However, I must find it in my hear to forgive and move on.  I have been able to pray for her.  I have been able to start to ask for forgiveness.  We may never see another dime from her, even if we take her to court.  We will try to exhaust our resources that we have available to hold her accountable for her actions.  However, I must forgive her, I must continue to love her.  I am failing at that.

I thought I was doing good, until she e-mailed me again this morning.  She just does not care.  It does not concern her that she is stealing from my family.  It does not matter to her that she is illegally living in someone else's house.  It does not matter that she has not paid.  She is only looking out for herself and her benefit.  She is tied only to her.  Her actions hurt others, her actions are unkind.  That is sin.  I must forgive it because Jesus paid the price for me so I could.  He suffered so I could forgive and spread His love and Word.  I need to be obedient to Him.

I have to say that it is difficult too because it is money.  Money really is the root of all evil.  She is digging into something that I probably pride more than I should.  While money is tight, God has always provided for us.  Our bills have always been paid and we have been able to honor our word in saying we would pay this money back.  I have to not concentrate on the money, what we would have had, or what we are losing, but on all of my other blessings.  God is so good.  Our family is healthy, we have all 5 of us together, God has allowed us to be at home for the Holidays, when so many people are sick with the flu and respiratory infections, He has guarded our home for the time being and allowed us to be healthy.  He has provided my husband a good job, health insurance, I am able to stay at home with my children.  Ellen goes to a great school as does Allison.  We have some of the most amazing support people we could ever think of.  Our church family is supportive and encouraging and Ellen's school family is prayerful and helpful as well. 

After looking at that list, I am more rich than anyone in the world.  I have it all.  God has provided.  He is faithful in His promises and I need not worry.  I need to allow Him to continue to teach me and trust Him that everything will work out for His glory and for my good.  It will be His idea of my good and not mine.  I need to put my selfishness aside and understand my sin and how it affects others as well.  I need to focus on the blessings that He has provided and be content in where He has me today.

Please pray for me as I continue to forgive our tenant and continue to show her God's love.  I pray that she may find Him on her path somewhere.  I know these are valuable lessons.  I am sure somewhere in this journey there will be others that will say something or do something, and I will have to forgive, to love, and to show them grace because God has called me to do that.  Even as hard as it may be, that is still what I am suppose to do.

I know this is my learning moment, but it is really hard to do.  I never saw this commandment in this way before.  Yes, I have always tried to extend a hand to others, I have always tried to love, and show compassion.  However, to love someone through a tough time when it is them who has done you wrong, is really hard.  I am sure I will grow greatly in my faith and who I am when I can work through this.

My prayer for you as we enter 2013 is not to reflect and see the negatives, but to look on the past and see how you have grown, to see those blessings in disguise, to be thankful for every experience God has blessed you with.  It is much easier to look back and say 2012 has been so horrible, I hope 2013 will be much kinder.  However, if we never learn from our mistakes how can we expect to grow forward?  Nothing is as horrible as it seems.  With God's love, promises, grace, and forgiveness, we are able to get through anything.  And He will be there with us.  He will never leave us nor forsake us.  What comfort we can find in that.  Look beyond your circumstances, turn your head up and you will be blessed.

The Power of Prayer?

I have a bunch of random thoughts.  They are not going away, so I find myself at the computer on this snowy day, wanting to put down some of these thoughts.  Maybe these are things that you already know, but they have been things God has slowly been revealing to me through this journey.  I think I am just now making sense of them!

Prayer, it is the most powerful thing we believers have.  It is our line of communication with God.  It is the Facebook, the blog, the text, the instant messaging of our world with God, our Father, our Savior.  It is how we express what is on our heart, the thoughts that are not even formed in our heads, it is a way to get our feelings and frustrations out, to make a plea for our requests.  It is how we have a relationship with God.  It is how we put into practice our requests for others.  It is a powerful thing.

So, often times I use prayers as things that I want.  I want it to work out this way, I think this should happen.  I am bold in praying often times.  I often times pray for things that people say are impossible.  Example, for Lydia's esophagus to lengthen.  While most times they are things that I think will benefit me, my family, my Church, loved ones, I really have no control, no clue as to what is best for me.  I think I knew this before, but I think I understand it now.

So when Lydia was in the hospital, I prayed boldly.  Often times, as much as I don't want to admit, I prayed with blinders on.  I feel, God, in this situation you need to do this.  I would like it, God, if you would make this, this, and this happen.  However, that is not how God works, or how prayer works.

While we should make known our requests, all things are going to work for the glory of God and for our good.  That means, what we pray may not be for our good, but to bring glory to God.  That means that what I pray may not happen how I want.  I need to have an open mind to this.  I need to really understand this.

So, often times, I have prayed and said, God I would really like this to work out this way, however, I would love it if you could teach me, strengthen my faith, and bring glory to you.  I understand that God's ways do not make sense in this world.  That the way God would have it done often times seems backwards to me.  That is where faith comes in.  I need to trust that however God works it out will bring Him glory and will be for my good.

I have been shown this, not only taught it.  I see some of my requests that I made about Lydia and if those were answered what a nightmare it would be now.  I did not know best, I only knew what was affecting me in the now and speculating what the future was to hold.  God is there, He knows, why should I worry about it.

So I have the question mark on the end of the power of prayer because I have been following a little ones story and the mom keeps talking about the power of prayer.  She portrays that prayer only works when it is working out in her way.  Prayer is working when the child is doing what she wants.  When the numbers are how she thinks they should be, when she is able to hold her child, when she is able to get out of the hospital when she wants.  I remember those days, and I was probably much like that at times.  However, the power of prayer is to open our hearts, to make our requests, but to remember that God is in control, that God will work it for His glory and for our good.  Often times we don't even know what our good is.  I think about that, when we were pregnant with Lydia I just wanted a healthy child.  However, I did not realize that I needed her, that she would complete me just the way she is.  God is good...He knows us better than ourselves.

A wise friend told me once that she use to pray and ask God to change her husband.  She would have this laundry list of things.  Then she changed how she prayed and asked the Lord to draw her husband closer to Him.  When her husband is living right with God everything else will fall into place.  How that mind set has changed me.  It has opened how I look at prayer.  I find myself, now, in prayer constantly.  A lot of judging thoughts are now replaced with prayer, a lot of confusion is now replaced with prayer.  I understand it a bit more, I have a better relationship with my Father.  I don't completely understand, but I know what I need to do.

These children that were killed in this deadly shooting just a week ago, many have said were taken too soon.  It was all part of God's plan, He allowed it to happen.  The reasons are unknown to us, and the parents and siblings, the community or many of us may never really understand.  However, I know that it was to bring glory to God and for the good of those affected.  A hard concept.  One that we don't know how to handle when we are in this world.  Thankfully I am not, I believe and I don't need to understand, but I need to trust.  I need to know that God is Lord of my life and I am accountable only to Him.  God allows it to happen.  He disciplines the ones He loves, just as we discipline our children for their good.  We all need those boundaries and slap on the hands to know what is expected of us, to grow and to learn.  It really is a wonderful thing in the picture of things.  Please know I am not trying to minimize what these families are going through.  I am just simply applying what I have learned to every situation I encounter.

Random thoughts, yes, but I just wanted to share with you what God has been putting on my heart.  Especially with some of the stuff that has been happening in our lives.  Lydia's shot continues to be denied, but I don't worry about it.  Often times I don't even think about it, God has it under control and I will trust Him.  I know that He will bring glory to Him and it will be for our good.  Our tenant situation.  While stressful, I have been learning about praying for our tenant and realizing that it is not about right and wrong.  I am learning how to let God be in control, even when it does not make sense.  I know that even in these situations God has been there, He knows what is best for us, and I just need to trust Him.  What a great peace I have had because of this.  He is so awesome and when I just let Him be, things are so great!

One last thought.  Last night we dropped our girls off at Awanas and Ellen's class recited Luke 2:1-7.  It is so awesome hearing of the Christmas story, again.  Afterward the song Mary did you know was sung.  I was just struck, almost to tears.  How amazing the Christmas story is.  Jesus took on human traits, Mary delivered a Son who would deliver her.  How amazing is that.  Jesus was perfect while He was here in the flesh...something that we will never accomplish.  I just love that song.  So as we prepare and hurry around getting the perfect everything, don't forget about Christ.  He is the reason for the season....He is the most perfect Christmas present, message, decoration...you name it.  It is one amazing story...please share it and make sure to keep Him as the focus of your celebrations.

As Ellen reminded me today, we were baking all kinds of goodies, and she tells me that she missed the time we spend together doing those things last year.  She said this is the best December ever because we are together cherishing these moments.  I love that girl.  How awesome that even at 6 they understand and know that. 

Caught

I find myself caught between things of this world and things of God.  I am so upset that I just cannot let go of the things of this world and let God take over.  I have to hold on.  I just am being selfish is what it all comes down to.  I think I am better than God and I want what I think I should have, shame on me.  I know better than that.

I have been tested a lot lately.  I would have to say especially financially.  While we manage to pay the bills every month and God provides way beyond our needs, He even allows us to be very generous with what He has supplied us with.  It still is not easy.  We have this looming denial from the insurance company.  They have denied Lydia's shot.  This is a shot that could save her life.  But it is a preventative measure, so they are not wanting to pay the $2000.00 per shot.  I cannot deny my child this, it could cost us her life.  I am leaning on God to provide.  We are currently fighting this over and over.  He has gave me great peace, but I do hear that voice in the back of my head, how are you going to find the money to pay?  God will provide for us, He has already shown us that, I need not worry, but I find myself caught.

Our tenant situation has been dragging me down.  We are taking a lot of risk there now.  Again, we are trusting God will see us through.  It has been getting me down huge time.  I am learning how to be patient and not put myself in the front of the situation.  I want to just yell and scream and not be in a Christ-like mannor.  Most days it makes me sick.  However I know that God will be glorified and lifted up.  I know that when I stand before Him I can say that I showed Christs love to our tenant and I did what God would have me to do.  It is hard because it is not the way of the world at all.  I know that God will be glorified in this situation.  It is hard to say no to the world and yes to God.  I would have to say especially when it is earthly treasures...money and a house.  But that is not important, I need to store my treasures in heaven.

Then there are just all of those small things that continue to happen on a daily basis.  The unexpected bills and taxes and so forth.  But with it all, I feel so selfish for even feeling this way.  I look at my child's eyes looking back at me and know how rich I am.  How can I be in this place?  Conflicted and understanding, troubled and completely peaceful. 

In light of what just happened, I am beyond rich.  There were people that could not tuck in their children last night.  I had the added blessing of tucking in two more special blessings (yes, five little girls sleeping in one room).  I understand what it is like to "almost" lose a child.  We had to prepare several times for saying goodbye to a child.  God chose to give her life for many reasons, and I know many more that I do not even understand yet.  I have been on that road where there was a large unexpected road block.  I had to get around it.  I had to lose everything to gain eternal life.  It was the biggest blessing I could have ever received.

So selfish to be caught in two places at once.  I understand that fretting over finances, or things that may possibly happen is not worth it.  I am robbing myself of the joy that God has told me to enjoy, I may be robbing someone else of hearing the Gospel that God wants me to share.  As many people found out yesterday, tomorrow is not promised.  I am sure there are things that they wished would have been different.

I have to say that is one thing that I am so thankful for.  God has allowed me through many trials, hurt, sorrow, joy, and love, that I need to embrace every moment.  I fail at it most times, but I was thankful that I did not have to hug my children extra tight because I do that already.  I was thankful that we have made the sacrifices to allow me to stay at home and have a child attend a Christan school and be involved in their lives.  Every moment I try to embrace to the fullest.  I am thankful for that lesson.  That is a lesson that I take very seriously.  Praise God for that.

I just needed to start to form these thoughts.  Even as I write I am almost embarrassed as I see how completely selfish they are.  I should know better.  Where is my faith and trust?  Shame on me.  But I am also thankful that God has a hold of me and has shown me that.  I no longer get in these ruts where it just seems unbearable, I am caught, understanding where I should be and trying to let go of the selfishness.  Just another sign that God is working in me and teaching me...I am growing!

God will provide and I can be assured that it will not be anything like what is in my mind.  It is going to blow me away.  I will most likely have to endure some kind of trial, but there are so many blessings in the tears.  There is so much good in the pain. 

As I told my children the other day, we just need to look around and there is beauty everywhere.  God is constantly with us.  I need to break free from my selfishness and cling tighter to Him.  He provides, He loves, He will see us through anything!

Letting Go of Perfection

I have heard that phrase more than once, "Let go and let God."  I love it but it has always bothered me.  I am not really sure of what that means.  I feel like I am letting go, okay God now it is Your turn.  God, where are You? 

God has patiently been teaching me this and I am starting to understand what it means, just a little.  I guess after all that we have been through we were driven into God's Arms.  We had no choice, what we had to endure was much bigger than anything we could handle on our own.  However, now that times are good, we have hurdles but much different than before, what do you let go of and let God.

Everything He has told me.  There is not one thing on this earth that is mine, it is all His.  This is a hard thing.  I need to let go of my children, my time, my money, my husband, my stuff, my home, everything.  Nothing is mine, it is all His.  And I should do with it as He wants me to, not I.  Hard stuff.

Let me paint a small picture of what I am talking about.  Because, I have found true joy in letting go of perfection, I actually have found perfection and joy in the places no one would think to look.

Christmas time, the cookies are baked, the presents are wrapped, the tree is trimmed, the house smells of Christmastime, the nativity scene is set, the stockings are hung.  Yeah, you get the picture.  We have done most of that.  I say we, because this year I decided to let the kids do as much as they can.  Yes, I have prayed very hard to not get in the way, to create the memories and watch their joy.  Man, I am such a stumbling block in my own path of what I desire.  Kind of funny!

I have allowed the girls to bake the cookies.  They used at least a jar of sprinkles on each cookie and I am still finding sprinkles scattered through out my house.  But the girls could not be more proud to present these cookies to their friends and family.  The are so proud.  Each cookie is something different (you could not tell from just looking at the shape) but they have created stories out of each cookie.  They remember decorating each of the cookies and they are not afraid to tell you.

All of the presents are wrapped.  They are far from perfect in my eyes, but my girls tell of a different story.  "When grandpa opens this one he is going to see that I put extra tape here because not all of the corners came together quite right."  Or I am adding a bow to this one because so and so will like it.  I also allowed them to write the to and from.  My husband had to remind me several times that they are still learning to write.  They are still young.  But what great practice for them.  We only had to rewrite a couple names.  And they are so proud.  They have told everyone.

Our tree is decorated and oh so pretty, however, lovely Lydia has found out how to move and pull herself up on the tree.  Everything is rearranged and at times the lights are totally off.  We laugh at how Lydia is exploring and destroying.  She loves to chew on the string from the tree skirt, so often times the presents are thrown out and she has the strings in her mouth.  We are just waiting for her to practice opening presents herself!

It is anything but a perfect picture of Christmas, but it is so perfect.  These are memories that the girls will have and ones that Eric and I will treasure for a lifetime.  After all, who I am trying to impress, what am I holding on to.  I am not going to be winning an award for the best wrapped present (I really am not that good at wrapping them anyways).  But I will make memories, things that there is no price on but worth more than all the gold in the world.

I am sure that is much like the birth of our Savior.  Who would have expected the Savior to be born in a manger?  I am sure that is not how Mary envisioned having her first born.  But it was perfect, just as it was suppose to be.  There was pure joy in that moment, there were memories made, things that people talked about for years to come.  It was part of the Creator's plan and how awesome it is!

I guess as I look at what God is trying to teach me, I need to apply that to Lydia as well.  This is certainly not what I thought of, however, I could not have imagined my life any differently in the past two years.  She may not be the perfect child in many people's eyes, but she is the perfect child for me.

I may get frustrated many days because she is not where most 16 month old children are.  But I will be there is such joy when she does accomplish something because we understand.  We know how hard she is working.  We know exactly what she had to overcome to get to this point.  There is pure joy in this perfection.  I need to remind myself too, that there is no award for crawling early, there is no award for talking early.  I just get to use these moments to feel her arms wrap around my neck and hug me, to see her with her determined look and accomplish something.  I get to celebrate with her and experience this joy.

I get to hold on to my child much longer than most people do.  Everyone says they grow up way too fast.  However, when we have a child that does not grow up way to fast, we are quick to put a label on them...often times forgetting what we just wished for.  Ironic, maybe, but I will call it perfect.

I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go of these moments.  To let Him in and experience this joy that often times is not found.  I get to find joy and pure happiness in moments that most people spend their whole life searching for. 

God is still working on me.  I still have a long way to go.  But I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go and let God.  To let go and embrace the moment.  To let go and let my children (or whoever it may be that God is using to teach me).

Lesson learned....maybe!?

Have you ever found yourself making a deal with God?  If You do this for me, I promise I will go to church every week.  If You do this for me, I promise I will never do this again.  I don't think that I make too many promises with Him anymore, but I know that I use to.  Now I find myself thinking, man I thought I learned this lesson before.  I guess I didn't.  Once again my Father is patiently teaching me the same lesson over and over.  I just don't understand how He can be so patient and I can mess up so many times and He still wants me.  Just amazing.  He wants me!

This comes to my mind as I see people busily get ready for the Christmas season (yes, it is Christmas and not Holiday because Christ is the reason for the season).  I find people bitter and just rushing to go through to motions.  Not really taking time to stop and savor the season.  I find that traditions are placed on the back burner and the focus is on the good deal (black Friday I will never understand you).  It is not about taking time to stop and think about what a person really wants, what would they enjoy and appreciate, it is about buying all kinds of stuff, the "bargains" who has the most stuff, making sure that it is evenly divided out among all the kids (you would not want to upset one).  I find that people don't want to send cards any more because it is too expensive, not ever really thinking that a card is a time to reconnect with those you lost touch with over the year, or it could simply bring a smile to someone's face.  We are too busy to make cookies and hang lights, to go get the tree, and to listen to the music.  Maybe it is because we are sick of the season before it even begins because it has become so commercialized.

I am thankful that God has placed me on this journey.  One, He has given me a child that forces me to slow down.  She forces me to celebrate all of the small steps and to embrace each moment.  She teaches me how to overcome huge challenges and to find joy in everything.  I am so blessed that I get to learn that lesson every day.  And yes, I need a reminder every day. I get so wrapped up in the world and things I am suppose to be doing rather than things that God wants me to do.  Rather than seeing the beauty right before me.  I am blessed, I am chosen and I know that it is my path, but I wish everyone could learn that lesson as I have.  But I will celebrate that God has chosen me and continue to learn and try to share as I am able!

The other reason why I am so thankful that God has placed me on this journey was because of some very important lessons that I learned last year.  If you would have come to my house last year, there was not one glimpse of life.  There was no stockings hung, there was no tree decorated, the halls were not decked.  However, we were able to decorate two places.  We had our home at the Ronald McDonald's House.  We had stockings hung, a Christmas tree decorated (even more than one!), we had our advent calendars, we had ornaments made, a nativity scene set up.  Then if you went across the street, Lydia had her own Christmas palace.  She had glowing trees, nativity scences, more stockings, pictures the girls had made, and the list goes on.  In both places there was love, there was the Spirit of Christmas.  No matter what happened we were together as best as we could be.  We were making memories and sharing time together.

You see, last year, the shopping lists, the baking lists, the tree, the presents, the get togethers, the programs, the hustle and bustle of it all did not matter.  We had a sick child, one who was waiting surgery that she needed.  But that did not matter, we were able to celebrate Christmas for what it is.  Celebrate the birth of our Savior.  We were reminded over and over why the Savior had come, we needed Him.  It was so refreshing.  And I do think that there was a piece of all of us that felt that way last year.  Even though there was a stress of waiting for open heart surgery, there was the true peace of the season.  One that I can recognize now.

The lessons that we learned last year have spilled into this year.  The excitement and joy of making memories, of celebrating our Savior's birth can be felt in this home.  It is not about checking off things from a list, to rush and get it done, but to stop and enjoy this season.  We have been listening to Christmas music for a long time now.  Talking about what the songs mean and what they mean to our family.  The day after Thanksgiving we got our tree and a day later it was put up and decorated.  How the kids loved it.  It did not matter what it looked like, where the girls hung the ornaments (usually I totally freak out over this), but it was that we were a family being together, enjoying this awesome time of year. 

Last night Eric had to make an unexpected trip to Milwaukee to fix the furnace there.  We were hoping to just hang out with the family.  Instead the girls asked to make cookies.  I said sure.  I let them do everything.  We made spritzers and their hands turned colors from dying the dough.  It was awesome, memories left in their head that they won't soon forget!  As I tucked them into bed, they thanked me for making memories with them.  They said that while we were not able to do that last year, there were so many things that we were able to do instead.  Even a 4 and 5 year old recognize opportunities.  There is no reason to feel guilty that the perfect present or the perfect stocking did not exist last year.  In these tiny minds, there was only one thing that was important...being together and celebrating the birth of our Savior.

I just sat and prayed for a long time, just praising God of where He has lead us, how He has grown us.  I could have never imagined the journey to be so awesome and powerful, to change me in a way that I am not even sure of yet.  I look at the future with promise, no matter what happens.  Fot it is in Him I find my hope and trust, it is in Him that I can find true peace and rest.

I hope that I can remember this lesson that He has taught me.  It has been very profound.  It gives me great peace.  I want to describe it, but then I remember that this is the journey He put me on, these are the lessons He wants me to learn.  I try my best to explain them, but they are lessons maybe only I understand.  I hope you can get a sense of how awesome our God is.

I encourage everyone to take some time to just stop and enjoy the season.  There will never be the perfect amount of baking that will be done, the perfect present, the cleanest house, the best hosted party, the most gifts, the perfect tree, the perfect card.  We already received the perfect present, He was wrapped in cloth laying in a manger.  While our world can disregard the true meaning of the season, when you walk into our home, it will be full of love and laughter, traditions and memories.  You will see the peace of the season and we will take the time to enjoy and cherish our memories that are getting made.