Thursday, July 25, 2013

Happy 2nd Birthday Lydibug!

My mind keeps wandering and my fingers want to type.  In my mind I had a tribute to Lydia's second birthday all figured out.  I sat to write, and there was nothing.  I keep on trying to figure out how you put the last two years into words.  How do you describe this journey that we have been on?  How do you tell someone what Lydia means to our family?  How do you tell someone what God has done?  How do you?

I don't really know.  My mind is blank yet full of stuff.  I am elated yet sad.  I am proud yet secretly I am ashamed at my feelings.  I am still trying to work through that grieving process.  It is not the same to have Lydia turn two as it was with the other girls.  There are things missing.  But all of those missing pieces have been replaced with new ones, great ones.  Yet, something still makes me hold on to those missing pieces from the other girls.  She is not them, she is Lydia. She is wonderful.  She is my daughter.

I really am all over the board with emotions.  At any minute I think back to what was happening at this time.  At this time two years ago, they were placing my epidural because the likely hood of me going by C section was great, but I wanted to try not to.  In a couple short moments they would come to break my water...that was a process that I would never want to repeat.  Painful and scary, funny and just really gross that there was that much fluid (sorry for the details).  But through it all, the surgeries, the scary days, the tears, the heartaches, the longing for normal; there she sits.  My beautiful baby that has changed me, that has taught me so much.  She does her own thing, just as Ellen and Allison.  She dances to her beat, not anyone else's.  She loves life to the fullest, she loves her sisters and her parents, she loves her cousins and her aunts and uncles, she even loves the stranger at the store and often times reaches out to hug them.  She proves to everyone over and over that she is one else.  I the mom that God chose for her.  I am the mom that God primed for her.  I am the one that carried her, she knows me inside and out.  I am the one that God blessed.  I am so blessed because of that.  While the world may cry out and say that she is out of place, that she looks weird, that she is different...I would argue you to my grave.  Look at her...she is perfect and she makes our family whole.  She has taught all of us, we are stronger, we are better, we love harder, forgive easier, and enjoy every minute because of her.  She is my perfect daughter, as is Ellen and Allison, and I am blessed.

So maybe that made my fingers happy today.  I just can't quite put into words everything that she means to me, our journey and the joy despite the pain.  The learning experiences and how she changed me despite what a prenatal diagnosis said, despite what the world says.  They don't know...they are scared of being changed, scared of the unknown...but I think it looks pretty good.  I have been very blessed by the joy of motherhood.

I put together some videos of our journey over the past two years.  It was fun but extremely hard.  To see where she has come...I am just so proud.  She has so many battle scars that tell her story, that make her who she is, the pain is gone, the wound is healed and she is a survivor.  Happy Birthday my sweet little girl.

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