Tuesday, November 26, 2013

I Wish I Had Known

When I first received the diagnosis for Lydia; the possibility of Down syndrome, I wish I had known how she would change my life, the person that I would become, the joy that she would bring, how she would strengthen my faith, what she would teach me about life, the new perspective I would gain.  Instead I was filled with fear and the unknown; probably as each new mom feels once that diagnosis is given.  I want to take a moment to share with you some of the things I wish I had known prior to having her, prior to walking this journey.  My life is full to the brim and mostly because of the new perspective Lydia has given me.  As we come closer to this Holiday of Thanksgiving, my heart could not be anymore thankful.  Our family may have to make the hard decision of splitting up and taking the older girls to visit grandma and grandpa while mom and Lydia stay behind (Lydia is still not 100%).  But even in those tough decisions, there is so much to be thankful for...all I need to do is look at her slanted little eyes and I am filled with love and joy.  Who ever said that those eyes would be such a bad thing?  I find hope and love in her eyes and I think they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen!

I wish I had known just exactly how wrong my fears were before I had you, I would have been screaming in anticipation to start our journey with you.

I wish I had known just how strong you were, I would have sat by your bedside cheering you on, knowing God made you extra strong instead of all the worry and fret I had.

I wish I had known just how amazing one extra Chromosome is, I would not have let the fear of the unknown consume me just as it did.

I wish I had known the joy that would fill our hearts when you entered this world, it was joy that was never seen by this family before.

I wish I had known that you understood exactly the plans God has for our family, I would have embraced them quicker before trying to fight against His plans.

I wish I had known what kind of perspective you would have given me, I would have tried to gain it much sooner in my life.

I wish I had known the love that you would teach, the sacrificial and selfless love, I would have tried to learn that kind of love years ago.

I wish I had known how you would change me, but it was something I could not comprehend until you came along.

I wish I would have known how difficult sitting, rolling, grabbing a Cheerio was, I would have cheered the other girls on louder when they reached these milestones.

I wish I would have known how great life is when we slow down, I would have tried to slow down earlier.

I wish I would have known how much a mom can learn from her children, I would have paid more attention to the lessons Ellen and Allison were teaching me before.

I wish I would known what was important in life, but it took you coming into my life to teach me so.

My dearest Lydia, you have taught me more than I even know.  You have given me a new perspective, a fresh look.  You have changed me in a way I cannot even describe.  I feel like I am such a better person because of you.  You have taught me how to look beyond what I first see, how to live life to the fullest, how to find joy in the simple things, how to fight with your whole being, how to not dwell on those hard things, but be thankful in everything.  God knew EXACTLY what He was doing when He placed you in our family.  I am so grateful for the lessons you have taught me, for the love you have given.  God has allowed a special angel in our family to teach us lessons that we all needed to learn.  Often times we were too busy to stop and learn them or we did not think that they were important.

I have probably said the same stuff over and over before, but you have made me such a better person.  When I think back to what Down syndrome meant to me prior, I have to laugh at the fear and worry I felt.  I know that they were real, I know that I did not understand what the journey would be, but baby girl you have taught me so much and I am the blessed one.  God made our family complete with you.

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