I find myself caught between things of this world and things of God. I am so upset that I just cannot let go of the things of this world and let God take over. I have to hold on. I just am being selfish is what it all comes down to. I think I am better than God and I want what I think I should have, shame on me. I know better than that.
I have been tested a lot lately. I would have to say especially financially. While we manage to pay the bills every month and God provides way beyond our needs, He even allows us to be very generous with what He has supplied us with. It still is not easy. We have this looming denial from the insurance company. They have denied Lydia's shot. This is a shot that could save her life. But it is a preventative measure, so they are not wanting to pay the $2000.00 per shot. I cannot deny my child this, it could cost us her life. I am leaning on God to provide. We are currently fighting this over and over. He has gave me great peace, but I do hear that voice in the back of my head, how are you going to find the money to pay? God will provide for us, He has already shown us that, I need not worry, but I find myself caught.
Our tenant situation has been dragging me down. We are taking a lot of risk there now. Again, we are trusting God will see us through. It has been getting me down huge time. I am learning how to be patient and not put myself in the front of the situation. I want to just yell and scream and not be in a Christ-like mannor. Most days it makes me sick. However I know that God will be glorified and lifted up. I know that when I stand before Him I can say that I showed Christs love to our tenant and I did what God would have me to do. It is hard because it is not the way of the world at all. I know that God will be glorified in this situation. It is hard to say no to the world and yes to God. I would have to say especially when it is earthly treasures...money and a house. But that is not important, I need to store my treasures in heaven.
Then there are just all of those small things that continue to happen on a daily basis. The unexpected bills and taxes and so forth. But with it all, I feel so selfish for even feeling this way. I look at my child's eyes looking back at me and know how rich I am. How can I be in this place? Conflicted and understanding, troubled and completely peaceful.
In light of what just happened, I am beyond rich. There were people that could not tuck in their children last night. I had the added blessing of tucking in two more special blessings (yes, five little girls sleeping in one room). I understand what it is like to "almost" lose a child. We had to prepare several times for saying goodbye to a child. God chose to give her life for many reasons, and I know many more that I do not even understand yet. I have been on that road where there was a large unexpected road block. I had to get around it. I had to lose everything to gain eternal life. It was the biggest blessing I could have ever received.
So selfish to be caught in two places at once. I understand that fretting over finances, or things that may possibly happen is not worth it. I am robbing myself of the joy that God has told me to enjoy, I may be robbing someone else of hearing the Gospel that God wants me to share. As many people found out yesterday, tomorrow is not promised. I am sure there are things that they wished would have been different.
I have to say that is one thing that I am so thankful for. God has allowed me through many trials, hurt, sorrow, joy, and love, that I need to embrace every moment. I fail at it most times, but I was thankful that I did not have to hug my children extra tight because I do that already. I was thankful that we have made the sacrifices to allow me to stay at home and have a child attend a Christan school and be involved in their lives. Every moment I try to embrace to the fullest. I am thankful for that lesson. That is a lesson that I take very seriously. Praise God for that.
I just needed to start to form these thoughts. Even as I write I am almost embarrassed as I see how completely selfish they are. I should know better. Where is my faith and trust? Shame on me. But I am also thankful that God has a hold of me and has shown me that. I no longer get in these ruts where it just seems unbearable, I am caught, understanding where I should be and trying to let go of the selfishness. Just another sign that God is working in me and teaching me...I am growing!
God will provide and I can be assured that it will not be anything like what is in my mind. It is going to blow me away. I will most likely have to endure some kind of trial, but there are so many blessings in the tears. There is so much good in the pain.
As I told my children the other day, we just need to look around and there is beauty everywhere. God is constantly with us. I need to break free from my selfishness and cling tighter to Him. He provides, He loves, He will see us through anything!