I have heard that phrase more than once, "Let go and let God." I love it but it has always bothered me. I am not really sure of what that means. I feel like I am letting go, okay God now it is Your turn. God, where are You?
God has patiently been teaching me this and I am starting to understand what it means, just a little. I guess after all that we have been through we were driven into God's Arms. We had no choice, what we had to endure was much bigger than anything we could handle on our own. However, now that times are good, we have hurdles but much different than before, what do you let go of and let God.
Everything He has told me. There is not one thing on this earth that is mine, it is all His. This is a hard thing. I need to let go of my children, my time, my money, my husband, my stuff, my home, everything. Nothing is mine, it is all His. And I should do with it as He wants me to, not I. Hard stuff.
Let me paint a small picture of what I am talking about. Because, I have found true joy in letting go of perfection, I actually have found perfection and joy in the places no one would think to look.
Christmas time, the cookies are baked, the presents are wrapped, the tree is trimmed, the house smells of Christmastime, the nativity scene is set, the stockings are hung. Yeah, you get the picture. We have done most of that. I say we, because this year I decided to let the kids do as much as they can. Yes, I have prayed very hard to not get in the way, to create the memories and watch their joy. Man, I am such a stumbling block in my own path of what I desire. Kind of funny!
I have allowed the girls to bake the cookies. They used at least a jar of sprinkles on each cookie and I am still finding sprinkles scattered through out my house. But the girls could not be more proud to present these cookies to their friends and family. The are so proud. Each cookie is something different (you could not tell from just looking at the shape) but they have created stories out of each cookie. They remember decorating each of the cookies and they are not afraid to tell you.
All of the presents are wrapped. They are far from perfect in my eyes, but my girls tell of a different story. "When grandpa opens this one he is going to see that I put extra tape here because not all of the corners came together quite right." Or I am adding a bow to this one because so and so will like it. I also allowed them to write the to and from. My husband had to remind me several times that they are still learning to write. They are still young. But what great practice for them. We only had to rewrite a couple names. And they are so proud. They have told everyone.
Our tree is decorated and oh so pretty, however, lovely Lydia has found out how to move and pull herself up on the tree. Everything is rearranged and at times the lights are totally off. We laugh at how Lydia is exploring and destroying. She loves to chew on the string from the tree skirt, so often times the presents are thrown out and she has the strings in her mouth. We are just waiting for her to practice opening presents herself!
It is anything but a perfect picture of Christmas, but it is so perfect. These are memories that the girls will have and ones that Eric and I will treasure for a lifetime. After all, who I am trying to impress, what am I holding on to. I am not going to be winning an award for the best wrapped present (I really am not that good at wrapping them anyways). But I will make memories, things that there is no price on but worth more than all the gold in the world.
I am sure that is much like the birth of our Savior. Who would have expected the Savior to be born in a manger? I am sure that is not how Mary envisioned having her first born. But it was perfect, just as it was suppose to be. There was pure joy in that moment, there were memories made, things that people talked about for years to come. It was part of the Creator's plan and how awesome it is!
I guess as I look at what God is trying to teach me, I need to apply that to Lydia as well. This is certainly not what I thought of, however, I could not have imagined my life any differently in the past two years. She may not be the perfect child in many people's eyes, but she is the perfect child for me.
I may get frustrated many days because she is not where most 16 month old children are. But I will be there is such joy when she does accomplish something because we understand. We know how hard she is working. We know exactly what she had to overcome to get to this point. There is pure joy in this perfection. I need to remind myself too, that there is no award for crawling early, there is no award for talking early. I just get to use these moments to feel her arms wrap around my neck and hug me, to see her with her determined look and accomplish something. I get to celebrate with her and experience this joy.
I get to hold on to my child much longer than most people do. Everyone says they grow up way too fast. However, when we have a child that does not grow up way to fast, we are quick to put a label on them...often times forgetting what we just wished for. Ironic, maybe, but I will call it perfect.
I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go of these moments. To let Him in and experience this joy that often times is not found. I get to find joy and pure happiness in moments that most people spend their whole life searching for.
God is still working on me. I still have a long way to go. But I am so happy that God is teaching me to let go and let God. To let go and embrace the moment. To let go and let my children (or whoever it may be that God is using to teach me).