Sometimes it amazes me how fast sin can creep into our lives. When we least expect it, there is the sin staring us in the face. And for me, most times I am caught off guard. There seems to be something going on with me and I can't put a finger on it. After a couple days of prayers, readings, and meditation, I often times find out that sin has taken over in some area of my life. I normally have a hard time with my thoughts; they seem to run and never stop. I have to stand back and continually ask God to take them captive.
I think that I have shared over and over that the past couple of months have been a bit rough for us. It just seems like one thing after another, and there is no break in sight. The storms have raged and the water has flooded our lives. But we still find a way to build a relationship with God, a stronger marriage than the day before and we try to parent our children the very best way we can. I think that is what we all would do. After much reflection, however, I have come to realize that sin has crept in my way. Although, I am SO GRATEFUL for my experiences, for this journey God has given me, I have felt pretty lost.
Mostly because jealousy and discontentment have set in on me. While I try to say I am so thankful, in my deep thoughts I yearn for something different. I decided that if I write them down, they will be real and I can deal with them and move forward. I think when sin has flooded me and caught me off guard I try to make excuses. So I am forcing myself, today, to confront these nasty voices in my head that have been consuming me.
I am jealous at people who are able to go out with their spouse without a constant worry of a child. I have always worried about my other kids, but with Lydia it is different. There is so much about her, so many things that could go wrong. Eric and I have gone out very little in the past two years. And it is not because I am being an over-protective mom, it is because I am doing what I have to to keep my child safe from harm. It gets to me to hear people doing this and doing that. I am happy for them, but I wish that we could do it to.
This past weekend there was a woman's spring fling at church. How I longed to go to that. I couldn't. My child was sick, she needed me. The first call that God has given me is a mother these days, and I have to protect His child. I wanted to be there, I wanted to be in fellowship. learning and growing. I also did not want to face the guilt because I was not there. The comments made by people who just don't understand the situation. It is hard. I try really hard to give them grace, but inside I am screaming...you just don't understand. You have no clue what it is like.
There have been many events that I have had to miss because of a sick child, no one to watch her, or it is just not the best thing for her. I had to miss saying goodbye to one of my childhood pays as they laid him to rest. I had to miss going to benefits for other sick kids, to support their families. I have had to miss out on my favorite Easter service, fellowship opportunities, Birthday parties, family events. But in the end it is worth it. I was given a job to protect this child, to give her the very best life I can, I do believe that I am doing that. While it is hard, there are so many blessings she brings.
I have had to watch friends distance themselves from me because our lives are too different. Yes, my entire life changed, I changed, but it is hard to watch "friends" come and go. They go on with their life, while I am here, sitting rocking a child, going to multiple doctors appointments, trying to figure out what is wrong with my child. It is really a feeling of isolation. I have made some super new friendships, but I miss some of my old ones. People who use to call me and ask to do something, who hardly look at me in passing. My heart aches. I didn't ask for this, this is the path I was given. I will live it to the fullest and if you are not suppose to be part of it, then I will accept it. It does not mean that it does not hurt me.
All of our "extra" financial resources have gone to pay for gas to get Lydia to and from doctor visits, to pay for extra supplements, drinks that are not covered by insurance and I can continue naming. Eric has had to take many days unpaid, just so there is sometime to use for actual vacation time with the other girls. There has been family who has stepped up to help us big time, and we are so grateful. But it does suck, your financial resources are drained and you feel like a constant charity case with your family. We did plan financially for the our third kid, but never in a million years did we expect this. And having to tell your girls that the pool is no longer good, something they look forward to each year was a hard reality of that financial issue that many families face who have a medically challenged child. The pool liner did not make it through the winter months, and we just are not able to afford another one, so we had to tell them no. I am sure there will be many more things like that too. However, it is never gets easier. I feel like those girls have been robbed of so much, it just is hard to continue taking things away. It is a struggle and it adds to all of the other mounting stress. I know the girls are learning great lessons, they are seeing devotion and love like many never get to experience, but sometimes you would just like to say yes and give them something more. However, God is a faithful provider and He will continue to provide. None of us go without anything and we are grateful for that. There is always a hot meal on the table, gas in our car to make it to the next appointment, clothes (and I might add choice of clothes), heat, warm bed, insurance, the doctor bills workable. I am not trying to make a pity here by saying this, but simply stating a fact...it is hard. That sin has worked its way in and I have believed that I deserve everything that the next person has. But that is only a lie. God has provided abundantly and I need to be thankful for that!
I see people post things of their kids doing different activities on Facebook. Many of them the same age as Lydia. She is no where near that. While we are so excited about the accomplishments she does, where she has come from and where she is today, it still stings sometimes. It is hard. Sometimes, as much as I love our journey, love Lydia and would not trade her for ANYTHING, those broken dreams of having a child who has special needs are still there. Every now and again those feelings creep in and get you in a way you were not expecting. It is hard. And please know that I don't wish her to be anything else, I am happy with her and our journey, but I am being honest about these thoughts that run in my head at times, this sin that consumes me.
The pain of watching your child go through medical procedure after medical procedure is hard. The constant phone calls of trying to figure out what is wrong with your child with no answers. Waking your child in the middle of the night to give them medicine to only have to make them cry, wretch, and gag to get it down. The hours of consoling pain that you cannot find where it is coming from. The hours that you spend teaching your child to accomplish something, when it took your other daughters only moments to figure out with no help at all. The pain is real, the hurt is there, and sometimes it is just hard to say it is going to be alright. I know God is there in all of it, I feel Him holding me. But sometimes it just does not feel OK, yet that is when we must allow Him to pick us up and carry us. He does, He has been carrying me for months now.
Sometimes just know that other people are not going to get it because it is your journey. To always try to see God's Hand at work, and to be joyful over every moment, no matter how big or how small. And sometimes just being honest, letting out all of those nasty feelings, is the best way to let go and let God. It is the best way to understand that most of this is perfectly normal, as long as we don't allow ourselves to stay in that place. While everyone tells me it is just a season, I understand, but sometimes that stings harder because there does not seem to be an end in sight. Sometimes just listening and allowing someone to vent is the very best medicine!
Sometimes on this journey, no different from my other girls, it just gets hard. So thank for listening, encouraging me, and just being there for me. Those are the best things you can do for me! I thank God for giving me this journey and allowing me to learn all of these great lessons!