Tuesday, November 27, 2012

In a Moment

In a moment everything can change.  In a moment your world can come crashing in.  In a moment you can be on top of the world.  In a moment things can seem hopeless.  In a moment nothing could get you down.  A moment is nothing more than the gust of the wind.  A moment is just a small season in the big picture of things.

I have been thinking of this moment.  It is crazy.  One moment we are looking at the pregnancy test thrilled that God has chosen to bless us with another life.  In the moment of a phone call, tears are streaming down my face, looking into a world of uncertain reality, our child may have Down syndrome.  In a moment in the van, my husband and I hold hands to pray, we decide to embrace what God has chosen for us.  That moment of fear and unknown quickly passes and we are once again filled with happiness and hope.

The wind changes, the gust comes in and we are once again sadden in a moment.  The doctor says we must go to a specialist for there are complications far above what they know how to handle.  In a moment the world seems so unfair, everything is shattered and so full of despair.  In a moment we our overtaken with so much information, our daughter, our little girl, her heart has a hole, there is no stomach detected, it is confirmed, Lydia Ann has Down syndrome.

In a moment I lost track of Ellen and Allison and how fast they grow.  In a moment they knew a different life.  In a moment our life was turned upside down.  At first, one that seemed so unfair, so uncertain, and a path that I was not sure if I wanted to travel.  However, that gust keeps blowing, things keep changing, and in a moment things are different.

In a moment I became very familiar with medical terminology, I became familiar with things that seemed only possible in someone Else's life.  In a moment I was faced with major decisions, one that would not just affect my life, but our entire families life.  In a moment it seemed like I was pushed to the ground and my knees my only hope.  When hope and reason seemed to be lost, He was there, full of hope, full of reason, holding out His Hand, asking me to trust and walk along side His great plan.

In a moment I was holding the most beautiful girl.  I heard her cry, I calmed her, I kissed her and the next moment she was gone.  For hours, I did not see my girl, I knew nothing more about her.  For hours, that seemed like days, I longed for the other part of me.  In a moment, things changed.  I was joined with her once again, but only for a moment.  As I sat there fighting for my life, my daughter laid in a bed with her grandmas near, only for a moment.  Soon, the winds would change, a gust would bring different things, in the moment things would change once again.

In a moment I would send my daughter to surgery, I would lose all control.  I would pray and I would trust that God was holding her, He was guiding the hands of the surgeons.  In a moment I would imagine what it would be like to see her connected to so many tubes and medicines, in a moment that I could not begin to understand.

In a moment I would see my daughter fight for her life.  As she lay lifeless, blue, with no heartbeat at all.  I would watch nurses and doctors scramble to do what they do.  The gust would come and I would hear her heartbeat, I would see her chest rise and fall, for in the moment things would change.  Once again the doctors and nurses would do what they do best and bring my daughter back from her rest.  I would finally hear, in a moment, beat, beat, beat, and I could breath, I could rest.  For whatever the reason would be, God chose life for Lydia, and I was as thankful as could be.

In a moment I would see Ellen and Allison change.  I would wonder where the time was going as they seemed so big.  They would come and talk to me about things unknown, they would smile and ask questions for someone far beyond their years.  At times they almost seemed like someone I did not know, like a stranger sitting on my lap telling me their dreams.  In a moment I lost where I was, I lost sense of time and place.  They grew right before my eyes without me taking notice, without haste.

In a moment the world seemed to be perfect, bringing home our bundle of joy.  The world seemed so small as Lydia's accomplishments seemed so great.  Walking out the doors of that place, it was as if fireworks were going off and I was dancing with delight.  The best feeling in the world, a sense of peace.

Walking into a home that seemed so familiar, yet so out of place.  Learning new challenges, adjusting to a life unknown.  Watching Ellen and Allison kiss their sister, see the joy in their face, in a moment everything seemed just so.  In a moment that Eric and I dreamed of for many days, one that seemed to unattainable, so impossible.  God knew that one day we would experience this kind of joy, one day we may appreciate it a little more.

Each day has their moments, their joys and frustrations, sorrows and celebrations.  At any moment that wind is ready to come in and change.  In a moment the gust can blow and things seem so different, things seem not quite right, I don't understand, this is not right.  However, in a moment things can change once again, and you can appreciate all of the small things, the large ones too. 

I have been thinking of these moments lately.  It just seems as though sometimes they are not fair, and some times they are so amazing words just cannot describe them.  Those moments that we have nothing to hold on to, other than the amazing promises of our Father, we have no other option but to bury our face and pray.  Then we have those moments that seem like they are part of heaven.  Those moments where nothing seems to be able to get you down. 

The stark reality of life has hit me hard lately.  While I sit and fret way more than I should and worry about things that just bring more sin, I have been reminded of the moment, the moment things change, the moment things are so wonderful and the moment when I just cannot bear anymore.  To embrace every step of where you are at, no matter what.  To embrace each smile and each hug, each milestone and each accomplishment.

To see life through a different lens makes every moment so much sweeter, so much better, it just makes sense.  To see all of my children excel and learn, to watch them mark one more thing off that list of developments.  To embrace all that God has to offer.  His plan, His timing, His promises, His love, His discipline too.  I am so blessed to be chosen because there are only a few!  Praise God for this journey He has placed me on.  While some moments are so hard and it seems like no one really understands, it has created me, shaped me, molded me to be who I am today and I am so thankful.  It has taught me to embrace these moments, no matter how hard they may be.

In life there is going to be trials and persecutions, there will be hardships, however, having the promise of Jesus makes me complete.  Knowing that God has lead me to this place and He will not leave me.  He will see me through it, in His time, His place.  No matter how hard that road gets, He will not leave me, His promises will always be.  He is my Shepherd, my guide, my peace.  Thank you Jesus for this journey and never let me for get these moments, the changing of the wind, the gusts that can shake our entire world.  However, God has it under control.

Raising a child with special needs is no different than any other child.  Let your heart be open and embrace the moment that you are given.  No matter what in life, you will never live up to someone Else's expectation, so take what you are given and live.  Be proud of what you are given, for it is your path, your story you are creating.  God has chosen you to be here, not someone else.  Celebrate each imperfection, for none of us are perfect.  There will be hard days, but there will be pieces of heaven and in all those moments, the journey is worth it!

1 comment:

  1. Beautiful words, Tiff. Words to definitely live by.