Our paths are determined by our Father, to love us and teach us. He knows the very best stuff for us. His path often does not match what we want in life. Often times the path seems windy and long, the path has bumps and mountains. Often times we wonder why and don't understand why things happened the way they have.
It is hard. Faith is what is required to get us through. God wants us to trust Him, to walk blindly, having Him lead us. He wants us to surrender complete control and allow Him to lead. He will lead us down the path He has planned for us. It is a path that will teach us, grow us, stretch us, strengthen our faith, and require all of us.
Life is not easy and God never promised that to us. He did promise to never leave us or forsake us. He will be in every valley with us, He will be on every mountain top with us. He will not let us fall. He will be there. But, we must allow His ways and accept His perfect plan for us.
That means the parents who never were able to take their child home, God is still there. The child who was killed in a car accident, God is still there. The child who lost their mom to cancer, God is still there. God has a plan, and He allowed that to happen. He wants to teach us, He wants all of us. He wants our faith to grow. He wants us to lean on Him.
I have been at this point before. I remember in the hospital praying, God if it is Your Will and I was only able to have her in my life for 2 months, I am ready. That is not what I hoped for, but I will trust You. I will try to accept it and ask what You are trying to teach me rather than why is this happening? What will I learn from this, rather than I don't understand.
I came to this point once again. It is not without kicking, screaming, and resisting every way I can. I want her to eat orally, I want her to gain weight, I don't want her back on the tube, I want her to get better, I don't want her on the oxygen. I I I....it is not about me. I know that, but I don't want to accept that. I am selfish and I want what I want. I forget, or rather just ignore that.
But God has been working on me. It is time to accept that I may not get what I want. Rather I need to move aside and let God show me what His perfect plan is. Even though I rely on His strength, I take over, because I want to control the situation, I want what I think is best. I am sure looking on it is easy to see that, however, even though I know what I am doing, I just cannot help taking the reigns and take control.
Yesterday I just prayed to God. I said I know that Your good and perfect Will will be done. If that means that she needs to go back on the tube, then that is what needs to happen. It is SO hard to think that this may happen. But I need to trust. I need to allow God to show me His plan. I am open to what God's plan is and need to accept and trust that....no matter what.
It is hard. Once again I am losing control. I have no control. I have to sit back and allow Him to show me His perfect plan. It is the hardest thing to do, especially when it is your child. Especially when you just want to do the very best thing for your child. I don't really know, so I need to just trust. He does have our very best interests at heart, He created us, He sent His Son to die for us. He suffered for us. He cares about this too.