Sitting in quiet alone with my thoughts. Not sure that this has happened for a long time. It scares me a little! Lydia is peacefully sleeping and I LOVE watching her sleep. Taking a couple of minutes to write some more of my jumbled thoughts before I dive into some reading.
I think God is really working on me this time. So hard that I might actually get it this time around. I know that I have been here before, I am pretty sure what I should do next, however, it seems so hard. Relying on Him for everything. Trusting in His plan and following His ways. Sometimes I feel like a broken record because I must say that every time I write. However, that is so important. I cannot do it on my own. I cannot manage without Him.
One book that I am reading is about giving grace to your children. One of the concepts that the authors talk about is giving grace to your children. But it is in the manor that it is done. Teaching them that disobeying does not displease God, but not relying on Him (these are my short notes filter through my brain so I hope I am interrupting them correctly!). Remember that in EVERYTHING we need to rely on Him. We cannot love our brother on our own, we need God. He loves us so much that He gave is one and ONLY Son to die on a cross, to take away our sins (while we were still sinners...that's my favorite part). What we do on a daily basis, we need Him. Every step of the way. Teaching our children the Gospel is so important and how it applies to their life. We are incapable without Him.
Eye opening and transforming to me. I really haven't done anything with it yet, but tell myself I should. My children need to know the Gospel, but they need to be reminded of it over and over. And maybe not them so much as myself. Do I really remember that I cannot do it without God? I cannot do it without His grace and love and forgiveness? He has won the victory, it is mine to relish in. Yes, it requires me to live a life according to Him, but I do not have to fight the battle.
I think back to how the past couple of weeks would have looked if I would have remembered that. Oh boy...I am almost embarrassed by what I have done. Thinking I could do it on my own. Yes, I prayed and studied and thought I was handing it over, but I was just fooling myself. I was holding on to it. Look at all the extra stress I caused myself. Look at all of the time I stole from my children and husband and God. And those handful of gray hairs are not going away either.
The good news is He forgives me and He is patient with me, even when I continually mess up the same thing over and over again. He is awesome, His love is unconditional. He loves me no matter what. It is incredible. I look at my children and how much I love them, God loves me more than that. I don't deserve it, but I surly will take it.
Our culture says give me everything now. As much as I try to separate myself from the is world, I still have that mentality. I want Lydia to eat, I want Lydia to be healthy, I want my husband to retire and be at home, I want, I want, I want. God has gently, OK not so gently, reminded me, one foot in front of the other, lean on me and I will make your path straight. Those who wait their strength will be renewed. There are all kinds of great promises the Bible gives us....yet I chose to ignore. I chose to kick God out of the driver seat and drive myself, even though I thought I was letting Him drive.
It has been a long hard journey, and to me, the end is no where in sight. But I don't know that because only God holds my tomorrow and knows what will happen. However, in the moment today, I will do what He wants me to do. I will give Him thanks and acknowledge the blessings He has bestowed upon me. I will live my life in a way that would be honoring and pleasing to Him. I will try to remember the Gospel...it is nothing I have done, but what has been done for me on the Cross. I am able to do nothing apart from Him.
Yesterday was a hard day. Lydia did not seem to want to drink anything. Ugh. This is not good because she needs to gain weight and then maybe the tube can come out. Apart from the tube, there is an issue at hand, a real pressing issue...she is not gaining weight. What can I do? What do I need to do? I will do anything I can to help her gain weight (I would sacrifice my own fat to give to her...a mom has to do what a mom has to do!). It is tearing me apart.
However, I reminded, I cannot do anything without Him. Did I pray? Have I thanked Him for the bites that she has taken? Have I just relished in His blessings that He has given me today? See, I don't need to look beyond today, I need to live in this footstep, the next one will come tomorrow. It may be hard, I may not agree with it, but that is how it has to be.
Today I was able to get up and pray. Oh how I have missed my praying bike! It changes everything. But I just thanked God for what He has given me. I boldly asked for Him to give me peace, give Lydia peace. Then I was reminded that I can do nothing apart from Him. Yep, I failed once again and He is there to pick me up.
I just asked that she may accept the food today and it not be a fight. I asked that she might drink more than she did yesterday. One step at a time we will get there. Focusing on the very immediate task at hand. And, answered prayer. She started off by drinking this morning. She accepted her food this morning (even with her medicine in) and she was happy...there was no fight. Thank you Jesus! Then she drank some more later and she ate some more later. She even drank more before she laid her sweet head down for a nap. She probably has drank more today then she did all of yesterday. Praise God. See, one foot in front of the next. I cannot get too presumptuous and run ahead, He is there waiting for me, but wants me to enjoy this moment.
Sometimes I just want to hit my head and be like duh! That is one of the greatest lessons I have learned from Lydia, just to embrace every moment. However, time and time again I forget that. I want the prize before I put in the time. I want the reward with none of the work. I need to enjoy where we are at, where God has us...no matter if I like it or not. I need to trust God that this too shall pass. When you put it that way, it seems so foolish to worry because I will get through that as well. The answer seems so clear, but the application often is so hard.
I need to do a better job at just living and not worrying. It is SO hard for me to do. This is my daughter. I want the very best for her. But God has placed some amazing people around us to help us raise her, to advocate for her, and we are so blessed. We have the VERY best therapists possible. It was such a blessing to switch therapist. They listen and they go to the very ends to help us. Even when I want to give up, they are there encouraging me. I just thank God for the very best support people. We have had that all along this journey. We have been blessed with many amazing people. We have been given great family to support us and help us. Without them it may have been impossible. They helped us cary the burden. I just praise Him (there is ALWAYS something to be thankful, I just need to get out of that self-pity mode and see).
So, today I will push for the dietitian. We still have not received a phone call with a new one yet. But, I would love to get a plan and move forward. I will relax because my sweet baby is still recovering from being sick. It takes time. I will be thankful for the bites and the calories that she does take. I will be thankful that mostly everything is staying down these days. I will pursue a method that I can get her the very most calories and help her drink as much as possible. And I will acknowledge that I cannot do it on my own, that God needs to be there every step of the way and I need to let Him lead and allow Him to do so! And I need to accept that it will be His plan and not mine. If the peace does not come for awhile, I need to accept that and look at what He is trying to teach me.
My specific prayer requests are that I can put God first all of the time. That Lydia continues to get her appetite back and eats well. That Lydia will continue drinking more and more. And that Lydia will gain weight. The tube is not an issue like it was before since she is tolerating on her stomach now that she has the smaller tube. She needs to gain weight for her health and well being. I also pray that she can continue to develop and gain strength that she may get to the next milestone. It seems like we have had many obstacles in the way that has not allowed us to focus on this area either. And in everything may God be praised. I pray that you will live out the Gospel in your life every day and rely on God for everything, that you know you cannot do it alone either.