Life is full of decisions. Once you make the decision you must live with your consequences, good or bad. Some decisions we make without thinking about and others we pray and fret about for a long time. Some come with little to no consequences. Sometimes it is a decision and you get something entirely different. Sometimes you can weigh out all of the possible outcomes, make an informed decision, and something entirely different can happen.
I think about this as my husband and I are trying to make an informed decision about our daughter. Lydia has been having problems with her feeding tube, we have not used it in a long time (about 9 months) and we have talked to the surgeon about taking it out. We have a possible surgery date (February 25). We have to talk to our GI doctor (next Tuesday) to see what he says.
In the mean time, we are trying to gather all kinds of information and most importantly pray about it to see what God would like us to do. I realize that if the GI doctor does not agree, the surgery will not happen. So we may be preparing for nothing. But we would like to have all of our information together because at some point we will have to make the decision.
The hard part comes with the surgery to reinsert the tube, it is a long complicated procedure. So we need to make sure that she is ready to have it out. We need to make sure that she can continue to gain weight and grow. She does not tolerate the feeds through the tube right now and we have not used it for a long time. So maybe it is just the security blanket it provides right now, knowing it is there.
Whatever the case is, it is a decision, a big one. It is one that not only affects me, but my daughter and her quality of life. The easy decision is to get rid of it because I hate taking care of it. I hate finding different clothes for her, I, I, I. But as she has taught me a thing or two about love, it is not about me. I must take myself out of the equation and think about her and what is best for her.
There is no real good answer. The surgeon cannot say that yes this is the right time, there will be no cause of worry because she will not need the tube in the future. No one knows, no one can tell. It is faith, it is trust. That is why it is so important to put it into God's Hands and let Him direct us and guide us.
How hard is that to do? I want to take over. She is my child (really she is just on loan to me while we are on this earth, I have been trusted to take care of my Father's child). I am going to have to deal with her in the hospital, watch her come out of sedation, console her as she is being weaned from pain medicine. However, God is right there by my side. He did say I would have trials and tribulations in this life. He did promise me, however, He would be with me always, He will not leave me.
So even in the face of a huge decision, there is little reason to worry. God has it covered. Duh! If I put my faith and trust in Him, He will guide me. Yes, there is still things I have to do. But I can pray and ask Him to guide us. I can listen and wait. I can gather information and I can see an answer. Now, it may seem like the right answer and we may be taken down a path we did not think of. But God will be there with us. It may be the wrong decision, but one that I will have to live with. I do believe God honors us who come to Him with the right heart and puts forth our faith and trust with a pure heart.
I think of the decision to have a third child. We prayed and we prayed. We tried and we tried. After awhile we were finally pregnant. We prayed for a healthy child. We prayed for this child and we were so excited. When we found out that things were not as we prayed for, we were nervous and anxious. We really did not know what to think. However, God lead us down an entirely different path. One that has been amazing. He knew what we needed. I could have never imagined this life for myself, however, He knew. It has been amazing. So while some people may have said the wrong decision, the wrong path, I say I am blessed! I say this is one amazing roller coaster that I am not willing to get off. As tough as the toughest days are, the good days are beyond my wildest imagination!
We have decisions we make every day. We have options and we must serve the consequences, enjoy the blessings, or figure out what the next "right" decision is. When we are on our knees, when we come to God with a pure heart, I do believe that He honors it. And just because we don't get what we thought we were, does not mean that it is bad or that it will not be worth it. Lydia is worth more than any amount of gold. She brings joy to me that is indescribable. She is a light in the dark. She is a true miracle of God.
And because of what I have learned from her, I am a better person. I am a better mom. A different path, yes. One that we did not consider. Would I change it? No! I am embracing it, hanging on, and trying to enjoy the ride. I have learned about love and life. I have learned the important things. While I still have a pretty tight grasp on some of the things in this world (money) I am learning to let go. I am trying to have complete faith and trust in God and allowing Him to guide my ways...not me.
I wish you a very happy Valentine's Day. I encourage you to love with your whole heart and to remember that love is not a feeling. Love is an action, a choice, a decision to love beyond yourself. A decision to think about someone more than yourself. It is hard but so worth it. Lydia is teaching me to continue to think of others and not me. Thank you Lord for blessing me. I am the blessed one.