Yesterday my morning started off at 2AM with two girls in bed with me, wide awake and a husband who was already at work. I really did not want to be up that early. Eventually one went back to bed and the other decided to stay awake. At ten to six the other one woke up from the day and miss Lydia was still awake. I decided to make the best of it. I looked out the window to see a four foot drift behind the truck, I had to get out to take Lydia to the doctors. So I made breakfast for Allison and went out to snow blow. I could not even move the snow blower, the wheels were locked. I was frustrated. So I tried to start it in the garage, no luck. I took the shovel to that four foot snow drift and it was against me. It was hard blown snow and it did not want to move well. After working for a couple of minutes I was exhausted. I went in to Allison screaming because Lydia had pooped her pants and she was upset because it smelled. It was not bothering Lydia as she sat on the floor playing contently. I called my husband crying begging him to do something over the phone to make the snow blower work so I could get the truck out. He told me to settle down and I just cried harder. I was thinking, God really? Hasn't my life been hard enough, don't I deserve a break? But I went back outside and shoveled. I took the truck out and I was able to get it through the first drift, but did not realize that there was a second one there. Oops, the truck was stuck. Allison is outside screaming at the top of her lungs at this point because she does not want to smell Lydia's poop. I wanted to join her. I dug the truck out and came inside. Allison kept screaming and I screamed back at her, partly because I was completely deaf and could not hear anything. I gave her a spanking, yes I hate those spankings that are done at inappropriate times, I felt guilty. But we discussed forgiveness and how it was wrong that mommy spanked out of anger, but you can't scream for no reason. I did take care of Lydia's smell and Ellen came down the stairs. Breakfast made for her, Lydia fed. The neighbor is standing at the door while I try to french braid Allison's hair, praying the bus was not here yet. Thankful for a late bus! I quick get in the shower to take care of myself and dress to realize that we need to leave. We are driving in and I knew I needed an attitude change so I decided to pull over for some coffee. I get in the drive thru and my window is frozen up. Really? Get my coffee and continue on to the doctors and I am stuck by a train. Really? Could one more thing happen? Well, we made it to the doctors and actually with a couple minutes to spare. Not sure how that happened!
I think we all have mornings like that. The stress of the day overwhelms us, we make poor decisions, we question why, we feel alone. However, I did leave out the most important detail of the morning. When we were driving into the doctors, in the sky, there was a rainbow. Ellen said, "Mom, that's odd that there is a rainbow, it did not rain, it is only a partial one, and in a very odd spot." Yes, Ellen you are right. I believe God placed it there just for me to remind me that I am not alone, to be reminded of His great promises. I am sure other enjoyed that rainbow too and I prayed that they too were reminded of the promises God gives to us. How awesome is that, in the midst of my mini-melt down (well not really, just a really bad morning) God is still there, He was actually visible. He is reminding me of His awesome Word. Completely took my breath away.
Lately, in every single devotion, reading to the kids, or just meditation in the Bible, I have been reminded that I am never alone, God wants us in our brokenness, God's way will not make sense, but we need to continue on our Faith adventure. We need to trust God. Over and over He keeps reminding me. He will not let me forget.
So, I want to just break for a second and share with you some of the stuff He has revealed to me, before I continue with my story! "Jesus took some bread and blessed it. hen he broke it in pieces and gave it to the disciples, saying, "Take and eat it, for this is my body." Matthew 26:26. Jesus body was broken for our salvation. His broken body reminds us of what it means to be broken, but beautiful. Our brokenness makes us useful and pleasing to God. I can't even put into words how amazing this revelation was to me this week. My brokenness, my ugliness, God wants me just like that. His Only Son was broken for me and how beautiful that is. "The LORD had said to Abram, "Leave your native country, your relative, and your father's family, and go to the land that I will show you. I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others." Genesis 12:1-2. I am not sure that I could do what Abram did. I am not sure that I could leave everything. However, I must obey God. I know that most times I will not approve of God's plans, I realize they are not easy and often times there is suffering, and most times it makes no sense to this world. However, the fulfillment of God's promises will go beyond my own ambitions by an infinite degree. I know that the blessing will more than match the longings of my heart. AMEN! And the last verse that spoke to me is "God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan; At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ-everything in heaven and on earth." Ephesians 1:9-10. God promises me that I do not need to live in fear of a dangerous dictator, a dreaded disease, or some kind of terrible mother nature disaster. I can rest assured that one day all of Gods plans will fall into place and all of the promises will be reality. I know it does not make sense to the world, but it should not, I am not of this world, I only live here. I am different because I have the Holy Spirit living in me.
As I try to make sense of the situations in my life, as I try to understand why, God is telling me to trust. God is telling me that His plans probably will not make sense. But one day, everything will come together, one day I will understand. One day all of His promises I will see. So I need to continue to live my life according to Him and not this world. As hard is that is, I don't understand it. But once again, I need not understand, but simply trust. He is leading me in a way that I will not ever understand, He is leading me to a place that is far beyond my wildest dreams. I will be blessed more than I deserve. I already am. Just like that glimpse of the rainbow, He has not left me nor will He ever. He will be beside me in the darkest of the dark problem, He will be by my side, carrying me when I need, and He will never leave.
As I was thinking of this, feeling guilty for my actions yesterday morning, I decided to make a Valentine's board. Reasons why mommy loves Daddy, Ellen, Allison, Lydia. I am reminded all of the time of why God loves me, what He has done for me, the promises He has for me. Have I told my family? Does my family understand what I would do for them. So in our kitchen I have a heading for each one in our family. Each day I add a new heart to tell them why I love them and what my promises are for them. A reasonable understand of why I love them. Just as I have a reasonable understanding of why God loves me.
So I made this yesterday as Ellen was making a Valentine's card box. She can read now so she was able to know what I was doing. Pretty soon she asks me to help her cut something out. I look and she copied what I wrote..."Reasons why mommy loves mom." It melted my heart. It was very precious. Her first reasons was I love you bekus you love me. Isn't that so, I love God because He first loved me. Simply a wonderful moment for a mom (and that was even on a day that started so bad).
And as I close today, I just wanted to add a little something to think about. I read a blog yesterday about the Today show and a segment they had on there about the new prenatal testing. I still don't have very strong views on this other than it should not be used as a decision to abort. Matt Lauer was talking to the couple and said now for the good news, the baby does not have Down syndrome. The couple said yes they were safe. It struck me as odd. In the media there are so many people talking about Down syndrome, however, many of those folks have never had the opportunity to have a child with Down syndrome. They are speaking on a astigmatism or an old belief, not on fact and experience. Because most of the families that I talk to, who have a child with Down syndrome, have nothing but good things to say. They feel blessed and chosen.
Sometimes I do find myself getting wrapped up in that school of thought. I guess the unknown speaks louder. There are medical issues most times that come with Down syndrome, there are horrible stereo types that they must overcome, most times they need to work harder at attaining a common task. And the list could probably go on and on. However, I want to spend the last moments just telling you what you are safe from. It breaks my heart because the joy that you are missing out on by allowing fear to overtake is so sad to me.
What you are safe from by not having a child with Down syndrome....love, pure love. Love like you have never felt before, love like you have never seen before. It is not something that you can quite explain until you have experienced it firsthand. Joy like you have never seen. Pure joy from everything. Looking at the glass as half full all of the time. Not seeing fault, but seeing you for you. Loving and caring beyond what anyone has for you before. Determination and a will unparalleled to anything in this world. A drive that is contagious. A laugh and a personality that is infectious to everyone around them. A sparkle in their eye that you cannot ignore. An attraction that is oh so deep. A happy spirit. Most of these things you just need to experience to really understand. And as I write this, most of these are traits, promises my Father has given to me. So chosen to be her mom yes, it is a calling like no other. One that I don't think you know the entire blessing until you are living that journey prepared for you. Special, yes...something you cannot even imagine until you are the blessed one to experience.
I would pray that the fear of the unknown would not take over you, that you would open your heart and eyes to a love and devotion like you cannot even imagine. And I would pray that you would talk to someone who has experienced it and not allow the stereotypes to get in the way. Is it hard...yes, one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I would do it over and over again without thinking about it. It has been some of the best times, I have grown and I am a better person because of what she has taught me. Love with all of your heart. Trust in God that He knows better for your life than you do!