The past couple of weeks have been pretty hard. We have had a lot of different things happen, some tough and some not so tough. But the hardest for me is the mundane every day things that are just getting to me. The ups and downs of Lydia's eating patterns, the disrespect from the other kids, who are just being kids, and just the blah days. I hate being trapped inside these walls, even though I know that it is the very best thing for Lydia and our family right now.
I need a HUGE attitude adjustment. I am just in a funk and cannot seem to get out of it. I don't know what my deal is. I know that I have been questioning God, looking for answers of why? However, I have been able to see so many blessings and kind of be thankful. However, I think that my heart has not learned that word of contentment. I want, I think I need this, I am entitled to that, I have suffered enough, if only that would happen. I don't know if you have ever been there. I am thankful, but really only to a point. I am thankful that I have my daughter but why won't she eat. I am thankful that there is food provided for me every night, but why can't we have more money in the savings account. I am thankful that God let me enjoy another day, but man I wish those kids would apply the respect I have been teaching them about. Yeah, not being content with what I have.
I love Lydia and I am so blessed to have her. I enjoy her so much. She just lights up my world. She has a personality all of her own. I don't wish that she is in any way shape or form different, however, if I am being honest, the medical aspect of things are wearing down on me. I do feel like I am entitled to rest at this point. She is 18 months and we have been through a whole lot with her medically. Why can't she just eat and we get on with our lives? Why do we have to keep battling this failure to thrive business? Why can't we just get to enjoy where we are and not constantly have to have blow after blow (apartment is still not rented, gas prices are going up....yeah just complaining now!) But the question I should be asking is, why can't I just be thankful that we are not sitting in a hospital room watching her fight for her life? Why can't I be happy for what God has blessed me with already and not be longing for things that He says I don't need.
I am getting caught up in things of this world and I get confused. Where is my faith? Is it really unshakable? Am I really walking in God's love and grace? Is my faith strong enough to handle even these mundane tasks of being a stay at home mom? Well, if I really trust God with EVERYTHING, if I put Him first, He will provide, He will walk through it with me, He will hold my hand. Just as He has done before. I need not look back too far in my life to see the miracles He has already given me. Most days she is attached to me 24/7!
The world says that more is better. The world says that just a little more won't hurt anyone. The world says that I am entitled to this and that and something more. The world says that I deserve it. However, that is not what God says. That is not what His promises say. Shame on me, I should know better. But it is so easy to get caught up in that and wrapped up. It just has sucked the life out of me. I need to be thankful right where I am at. I have a lot of stuff to be thankful for. However, I still struggle because I have not learned to be content and thankful, even in the time of struggle.
God said that there will be trials, there will be suffering. I am not different. And I may suffer for a long time, it might continue the rest of my life. I may never see that bank account where I want it, Lydia might never get off the tube, the struggles with eating she may always have, and I am going to have to accept that, I am going to have to learn to be content with that. Hard stuff. But I cannot do that without Him. I cannot do that on my own. I need Him.
What if blessings come through raindrops, what if the pain never goes away. Great lines from some great songs. That is true. What if we are called to live in pain? What if we go through trial after trial and never get a break? Our promises are not for here on earth always, but for our rewards in eternity. It is hard to understand and accept that when we are caught up in the way of the world. Does not make sense, it is not suppose to because I am different than that, I have the Holy Spirit living in me.
I have a precious daughter (actually 3 of them!). She is amazing (they all are!). I love being her mom (I love parenting all of them, but Lydia is quite amazing!). I would not change her (any of them, but especially Lydia). She is the light of my world (they all are, but Lydia has that extra special light in her!). However, I am exhausted from the medical issues. I am just tired and weary and feel as though I just cannot go on. But, I am still called to be content in this time, to be thankful and praise God. Hard. I am struggling at it. I have been in a place lately that it has been super hard to just be every day. I have failed at being a "good" mom. I have allowed this discontentment to take over my life. I have allowed myself to get exhausted because I am not walking with God as He wants me to. I am holding on to stuff, I am trying to take over again. I need to remember that He is my Master, He will give me what I need, He knows what I need and when I need it, far better than I do.
I am going to challenge myself to be thankful for what He has given me. I am going to try to be content in where He has placed me. So that means that I need to thank Him for these medical issues that He has given to Lydia. I need to accept what I don't really want to accept (she may need the tube longer than I want), we may always have the ups and the downs of eating. I need to be thankful that she can eat, what she has eaten, how well she has done. There are far more things that I am blessed with than what I could ever ask for. He knows my every need and will provide for me in His time. However, I need to be thankful and content today.
So today I am thankful for a sweet girl that I am able to pick up and hug, a girl who makes me laugh and teaches me something new every day. I am thankful for a loving and supportive husband. He is devoted to His family and God and I am so blessed because of that. I am so thankful for two very healthy, happy and wonderful girls. They help with Lydia and Lydia just lights up around them. They are the best oldest sisters one could ask for. I am thankful for an amazing mom and dad. A mom who supports me and loves me. She is one of my best friends (who would have thought that growing up, we were like water and oil...we did not mix well). But God has created an amazing friendship and I am so blessed because He chose her as my mom! Thanks mom, I love you. And lastly, today I am blessed because of an amazing friend. She is not only battling her own fight (brain cancer) but she is one of the most giving people I know. She is an amazing mom to six wonderful kids and she is an inspiration to me. Today she really showed me what it is like to be thankful and full of joy right where God has you. Today she came to get my kids (picked one up from school and the other at my house), brought me a soda, and some candy. She is keeping my two kids overnight so I can continue to focus on being content where God has me. Yeah, I am pretty blessed! Maybe it just helps to write it down, but God has blessed me far more than I deserve.